Monday, October 31, 2005


I am tired and am going to sleep tonight. Yes. On halloween. My most favourite time of the year. The corset will remain in the cupboard. Yes I know that sucks.

Have a nice day.

Saturday, October 29, 2005


One day, a long long time ago (1995, in fact) in a galaxy, far, far away (somewhere in Oxford) there was a man called Philip Pullman. Philip liked to write. In fact, he wrote a whole book. This book was called, ‘Northern Lights’. At the time of it’s publication, Northern Lights won the Carnegie medal, an unparalleled literary honour in itself, which should give an indication as to it’s grandness right away.

Being the first in a trilogy, the book was followed by two more books, The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass. It didn’t take too long for the trilogy to become quite well known. Not just because of the fact that it pissed off several religious groups, completely reversed the traditional Christian notion of good and evil, and became the anti – Narnia, but also because the storytelling and writing within this trilogy is next to none in terms of sheer skill.

Naturally, with such fame (and with the wonderful hint of infamy) film-type-people started looking into how to turn these well known books into a film, as film-type-people are prone to do.

Northern Lights is in production right now, under the American title, ‘The Golden Compass’. Which is irksome in itself, there is no Golden Compass in the book, but regardless.

If you are anything like me, you will love books. Perhaps you have already read the series, and understand just how easy it is to become irreversibly drawn into it, how easy it is to become passionate about it, how easy it is to want to defend it against the trained monkeys that are pulling it apart as we speak.

These books are amazing, mainly due to the fact that what you get out of them depends substantially on your age and maturity. You can read it when you are young, and find a captivating story about witches, bears, faraway lands, mythical creatures, and a journey to a foreign land. Then you can read it when you are older, and experience the powerful anti-religious message that you never knew was there when you were younger. This is what makes this book so valuable, the way in which it may be one book, but it’s more than one story. On one part, it’s a children’s story. On the other, it’s an intelligent, well sculpted, finely written anti religious message.

Anyway, I was kind of excited to learn that they are to be made into a film. Perhaps because of all the publicity it would get. But I have discovered many things that are to be done to this book, and I have found not a one good thing.

This upcoming film is going to butcher these works of art. Think about Harry Potter. If you have half a brain, you will already know what terrible things those films did to such wonderful books. Expect a similar thing, but on a much larger scale. This film is going to make any one of the Harry Potter films look like a well crafted, well acted, intricate masterpiece of film making, a sheer paragon of an interpretation of book to screen. Oh yes. I kid you not.

And why are these beloved books going to be slaughtered so? Many reasons. Mostly, because all religious references are to be removed, before it is deemed fit to grace our screens. It’s too controversial, you see, to put something up on the screen for the masses to see which displays such potent hatred for Christianity. Now, why is this a problem?

Because the entire story is a very strong anti religious message. To do this to it, would be like –

Making a Harry Potter film and completely editing out all references and utilization of magic, for fear of offending those who may not be comfortable with witchcraft.

Making a film out of Anton Lavey's life story, while cutting out the Satanic parts, for fear of offending people who might be uncomfortable with the references to Satan and the Church of Satan..

Making a film about the concentration camps in WWII, while taking out the Nazis, and the Jews, for fear of offending people who are not comfortable with references to the Holocaust.

Remaking The Sound of Music, while omitting all the songs, because some people just don’t like to see songs.

The point? There is no point.

Have a look at this, please excuse my French, or cover your ears.

"They have expressed worry about the possibility of perceived anti-religiosity," Weitz told a His Dark Materials fans' website

What the hell? Did he read the books with his eyes closed? Possibility of perceived anti religiosity…

The bad guy of these novels is later revealed to be god himself, and the people are worried that they might appear to be anti religious. Oh well done you, have yourself a gold star. The whole sodding book is against religion, especially Christianity. And you, what, perceived that there might be a smidgeon of a teeny bit of anti religion creeping into the story...Oh, *clap clap clap* well done you, very astute. Did you also pick up on the cast of the film version of Watership down being almost made up entirely of bunny rabbits? Oh you did? Well you're just too clever, aren't you?

I knew this was going to happen....I know Philip Pullman says that he doesn't believe it, but you know it's going to happen. Just look at what happened to Harry Potter, and the Christian crazies who tried to get it banned because of it’s alleged connections with paganism and witchcraft. The fact that Christianity is based on Paganism seems to bother these crazies not, they still think that Harry Potter is evil. And we all know that Harry Potter is just a load of harmless fluff. If they’re that worried by the tame Harry Potter, then imagine what His Dark Materials will cause.

Anyway, there is not even a slim chance that the message portrayed in the books will make it onto screen. Not bloody likely. It will end up like a pretty story, with armoured bears, beautiful witches, and talking animals. I swear I saw a Disney film like that once.

The fact that Lyra and Will are a metaphor for Adam and Eve will be lost, cut and edited out, as will Pullman’s own personal interpretation of what should have happened at the moment of temptation. A moment that was quite revolutionary not only in literary terms, but in terms of the modernization of religious interpretation.

Snip snip.

Here is my interpretation of what is going through these filmmakers’ minds. - "Well, no, we can't possibly make anything biblical look bad. For we have no backbone, no respect for works of art, nor for the particular piece of work that we are currently butchering. And as for the fabulous homosexual angels? Nuh uh. You can kiss goodbye to them, too. What, us, show gay people on screen? Don't be preposterous! We must crush them out of society too, for they are almost as foul as the bible bashers and single mothers!"

"But there may be some modification of terms."

"Hi, what I am really saying is that near everyone in this world, including my weak self, is far too gutless to tell the world what terrible terrible things this religion has done to people, and exactly what Christianity is or even portray the truth through someone else's book, so I will be replacing the word 'God with 'Mr X' or some other vulgar name like that." (edit: it will most likely be ‘The Authority’ - whatever that means)

You have to recognise that it is a challenge in the climate of Bush's America.

I recognise this challenge but feel that by not standing up to Bush’s redneck theocracy currently running America New Line and the film are directly going against the message of the book. The book is about standing up to oppressors and freedom and wisdom and by the very act of not meeting this challenge the very film that is supposed to be portraying the book is going against it. It is a cowardly, ugly and stupid thing to do, bending over to satisfy the people with the bible wedged up their arse.

Weitz, who directed American Pie and About A Boy, said New Line feared that any anti-religiosity in the film would make the project "unviable financially".

Oh, well when you put it like that... Just don't do it then! Would you make a film of the bible, and take out all of the religious figures, because you might offend those of other religions? "No you wouldn't." Why? "Because it's a stupid idea. If you did that, you wouldn't have a film. And what kind of moron would do that? Ha ha ha ha....oh wait just a darn tootin' minute....ain't that what we're doing?"

These are some of the best books in the world and once (not 'if') these filmmakers destroy this great message/story/epic masterpiece too, I will lose my faith entirely in the filmmaking industry and possibly set about bashing some heads together and boycotting film adaptations.

So, to summarise, what we are left with, is an empty shell, a parody of a masterpiece. A butchery of fine literature. This film will be a crowd pleaser. This is oppression in action. Oppression of what? Free thinking, and the right to hate religion. Philip Pullman recently objected strongly to the Religious Hatred Bill attempting to be put into UK legislation by the Blair government for this very same reason. The Right To Hate Religion.

I take the censorship of my favourite books as a personal insult. People who promote the same message as me, must be oppressed into the ground, and stomped out. We are not all shiney happy people. Some of us, hate religion. And we do not appreciate our right, yes, our right, to enjoy seeing anti religious messages so beautifully portrayed taken away from us.

Philip Pullman, snap out of it, and take the film rights away from these trained monkeys. Don't let them get away with it. Don't let the people who are too lazy to read and interpret your books think that you are a simpleton who writes about pretty witches and armoured bears and transforming animals. Don't let the film makers make you look like that. Because they will.

Think about the gross double standards. You may have seen the recent film adaptation of The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. Again, anybody with half a brain, will know how the Narnia books are not only pretty stories, but they are also undeniably Christain propaganda. I have no problem with this, I don’t have to read/watch it if I don’t want to. But my point is, the book in all it’s entirely was translated to screen without having any of it altered or edited out. Aslan is Jesus. Aslan/Jesus sacrifices himself for Edmund’s sin/The sins of the people. The white witch sacrifices/crucifies him, and Aslan/Jesus is resurrected the next day, etc etc, that was all there. It’s Christian propaganda.

So how come you can publish Christian propaganda but you can’t publish anti-Christian propaganda? That seems a little unfair and hypocritical to me, to put it mildly.

Don't forget, kiddies, we all have freedom of speech. It's just that some have more freedom than others.

Friday, October 28, 2005


Image hosting by Photobucket

If you say "Oh where's my widdle fuzzy wuzzy poo? There he is there he is yes he is!" one more time I am going to lodge myself in your throat and choke you while you sleep, bitch.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Goats 'n stuff

Well this happened to me a while ago, but I just decided to dramatise it for some reason that is apparant to no one, not even me. It's just something that happened when my Dad was with me. I miss you, Dad.

I decided to bore you all silly with my exciting day. Because I'm nice like that. Sit down, pull up a cushion, make yourself comfortable, and listen now to my tale. Oh yes, I'm a storyteller now. So sit down and desist the locomotion of thine maxillo, children. (that means be quiet)


One ordinary, sunny day (I've always wanted to write that) after I returned home from town, I commenced tidying my room. because I'm efficient and neat and productive and tidy like that, and am also interested in the physiology and aerodynamics of porcine aviation.

Then, me and my Dad recieve a knock on our door, because some people have spotted two goats wondering down the street. So's we stick our heads out the door, and indeed, spot two goats merrily wandering down the street, clopping as they go.

So sez moi dad, "We should put them back where they escaped from."

"Aye." Sez oi. "Wait! Are goats traditionally aggressive? If'n I'ma gonna be takin' on a goat, I want a big stick."

"Agreed" Sez the pater.

So's I run upstairs to my room/pit of hell/room of wonder/haven of crap/laboratory, and select two big sticks. Yes, yes I do actually have many large and varying sticks in my room, some suited to twirling like a baton, some suited to beating trespassers to death. Just go with it.

So out we trot, and confront the goats. We know that they belong to this evil old ha - um, very unpleasant woman who lives down at the very end of the road. Mainly because her bloody menagerie is always escaping and annoying our street, but anyhoo, the goats. The stars of the show! Let's call the first one, Biggy. Why? Because he was big, dumbass. And let's call the second one....Averagley andey Adequately Proportionedey. Umm, no on second thoughts let's just call him Smally. Smally is white with brown splotches and liddle stubby horns. Biggy is black with white splodges, and big eff off I'll-shove-these-here-pointy-things-into-your-spleeen-if-you-so-much-as-look-at-me-funny horns. Yes, children, that was the most horrific and blatant abuse of the hyphen that you are ever likely to see, please do not look to me for grammatical guidance.

Now as we two brave soldiers, who resemble two retarded Irish shepherds NOT at all, approch Biggy and Smalley, Biggy starts to walk towards us. He's eyeing us, he is, while Smalley is clopping away in the background. 'OoOOoo' thinks I, he doesn't like us...Fortunately, as soon as we two retarded Iri - brave souls get near, they turn their stubby upturned tails and run. Run, all the way back down the dead end where they emerged from.

Whoooo! Mission Accomplished! We are the champions, the hero shaped champions, et al.

Oh not really. Did you think it would be that easy?

Once we get them back to their garden, we realise that we have no idea how to get the gate open. And I'll say it now, it was NOTHING to do with us being short arses and not being able to reach the catch on the other side....NOTHING! Got it? Huh? Nada! *coughs* It wasn't. Well, now that we've got that cleared up, let's move on. I'm not short.

So's Dad leaves me to keep the goats from escaping up the road again, while he momentarily departs to summon assistance. It's all going well, until Biggy starts clopping towards me again. Smally, meanwhile, is still bloody frolicking merrily in the background. Now, I warn Biggy not to eat my cardigan, and reach down to pet him. He's quite cute, really. Nice cute little goaty smile, big dumb puppyish eyes, curly beard, and a fluffy coat that looks kinda cuddly. So naturally, he decides that this moment would be a good time to poo everywhere. And can I just say, that goat poo is reeaaallly seriously, have you seen it? It's like peanuts. Anyway.

He sniffs of my hand, and then the sneaky bastard tries to slip past me. Oh! Yes, goats are tricksy, they are. But I leaps into action, and butts him backwards with the stick. He reverses. And Smally goes 'frolic! frolic!' in the background. Then, Biggy astonishes me with an unforeseen and slightly out of place action in one so wide and stumpy, and gracefully leaps over my stick!! Bastard! "Hey! You!" Says I. Momentarily distracted, Smally takes this opportunity to cease of the frolicking, and shoot past me. Goats play dumb. This I have learned.

So, I shoot after the escapees, and accidentally chase them further up the road before I realise what I'm doing. I skid past Dad and our new assistant, Ron. The goats stop running. Kindly refusing to comment, Dad and Ron wander back down the road, to open up the gate into the goats garden, leaving me to herd those liddle buggers back to where they were a minute ago. Now, I don't know much about goats, but apparantly, they look cute and then poo, they are weird, and prone to violent mood swings.






What happened next?




Okay I'm done now.

Well, I don't know what got into their fuzzy little thickhead skulls, but it wasn't notions of peace and love for all mankind. Because the little fuckers charged at me! Now, I thought that all goats were kind of cute until then...and then my last memory of meeting a goat resurfaced, and I remember how it had knocked me over and started ingesting my elbow with gusto. With this in mind, a flicker of concern passed through my mind. Said flicker of concern went something like this:

'Aww, bloody hell, I've got to take them back to where they were. Okay, heeeeeeeere goaty goaty goaty! Aww...Smally is kinda cute, really *observes the frolicking* and Biggy ain't so bad...Now come on....fear the know it's scary, don't deny it....Ah - oh. Wait a minute. They're charging. Oh, shhhhii - Runawayrunawayrunaway!!!' clop clop CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP

And there go the cloppy pestilences, thundering towards me, crashing into each other as they go. What the hell?? What did I do? What did I doo? But before I get the chance to run, and most likely get stomped into the dirt, Biggy and Smally run around me. Yes, around me. Turns out, that they were running towards the garden from whence they came.

Huh. Well what do you know. I know in my heart, that they were scared of me. Yes. They sensed my intentions, not to mention my undeniable authority, and hastened to obey me so fast that they almost broke my legs backwards in the process. I mean, what else could it be? I had a stick. Ahem. Yeah, that must have been it. Yep.

I felt momentarily bad for depriving you of an accurate mental image of me running down a street with farmyard animals chasing me, but I got over it.

So I quickly chase the goats this time, in the vain hope that it will look like I drove them that way. Hey, shut up, maybe I did. Well I pretended I did anyway. Shhhh.

So our new friend Ron helps us open the gate, and amongst much prodding and shooing, in go the goats! Huzzah! Hooray! And, um, that's it. Gate closed. Dramatised for your entertainment. But true! And dramatic too...I mean, I could have had to wander around with a big ol' goat shaped bruise in my leg forever! But I didn't. Hooray!

And that was my day. Well, it ain't over yet, but I'm staying indoors now. Us retarded Iri -uh, superheros got thiings to do, y'know.


So anyway, I did it again, in trying to put off doing important things, I decided to write another....random bit of crap that was on my mind.


I have thought this for a long time, but never bothered to write it. Don't get me wrong, I love The Lion King. I love it very much. But I have a question. Why is Simba seen as the hero for The Lion King? Why is Simba hailed for saving the day? Why is Simba on all the merchandise? The watches and the socks and the cuddly toys? Simba, I think, is such a plank! Simba does not run the show, everyone else does!

Simba is the main character, true. But it ends there. Simba would have been a mucus slimed trail in the hyenas' digestive system, if not for his daddy leaping in with his scary Darth Vader voice and saving his fuzzy little cute butt in the Elephant Graveyard. His combat skills are, well, negligable, and he keeps on making the same mistakes over and over...I see him as, well, more of a morality lesson that an actual hero. You know, like, 'Hey hey hey kids! Don't screw up as much as I did! Hueeoahahahaha!' morality lesson to children. But he's a damn good one.

Simba ran away from his past and responsibilities after he failed to observe the rather large and slightly alarming event of his father being killed. In the desert, he would have died, if not for Timon and Pumbaa. If they were not there, the film would have ended, right there.
And once they raised him into a new life, he would have stayed away forever and ever. If it were not for Rafiki (and Nala) who managed to both talk, and beat sense into him. My old video is worn out from watching Rafiki bash our Simbaplank on the noggin over and over again...So then Simba returns to the pridelands.

Not mentioning, that Simba, a fully grown male lion, half as big again as the lionesses, gets repeatedly beaten up by girls. No self respecting hero would allow such a thing!

In the final battle, could he have even reached Scar if it were not for the lionesses, Rafiki, and Pumbaa? Not he could not! They gave him the chance to get near to Scar that he needed.
And when he finally 'defeated' Scar, he did not really. He was incredibly lucky. He happened to be near the edge of a long fall. And he simply kicked him off Scar, using a move that Nala taught him. NALA! I mean, it looked like a total accident, just a reflex! Scar, before his error of judgement, who was kicking Simba's arse. Scar drew Simba's blood. Simba drew no blood...Plus Scar has a better theme tune. *shrugs*

Oh! I almost forgot. Scar, by this time, is a near geriatric. Don't they have, like, Age Concern for lions or something? Apparantly not. Now what kind of message is Disney giving our kids? Ach, I just don't know anymore...Hee, Simba got beat up by an old man too...

And once Simba accidentally knocked Scar off the edge of Pride Rock, he couldn't even kill him right. No, the hyenas had to do it for him. What would Simba have done if Scar hadn't aggravated the hyenas so? Scar would have gotten up, gone back to finish Simba off, who would by now, hopefully have gotten a reality check and be hiding behind his mother's ankles.

Ahem. Moving on to the second film. It begins by celebrating Simba's daughter, who has recently undergone a sex change. it's all a bit hush hush. However, what is not hush hush, is the lack of involvement that Simba has in his daughter's life. Good job really. I would not like someone as cool as Neve Campbell having a complete plank raising her. But my point is, see him palming Kiara off into the care of his surrogate parents, Timon and Pumbaa? I sure did.

So what does Simba do all day? Sit around and have his meals brought to him, have his daughter raised for him, and have his battles fought for him. Literally. Sure, occasionally he will sing his daughter a sickly sweet song about how they are one being and joined at the metaphorical hip...Oh, sweet Jesus, RUN Kiara, Oh God RUUNNNN!! Before it's too laaaaaaattte!! *coughs* Ahem, er, sorry, I got a bit carried away there. Moving on!

So Zira hates him because he killed Scar. Umm, no he didn't! But anyway. So she sends this rather cool teenage rebel tall dark and handsome Kovu lion after him to assasinate him. Now Simba would have had his guts torn out and arranged neatly to form the word 'PLANK!' by our Kovu, when he stepped out to drink at the waterhole. You know it's true, he can't even out wrestle his damn wife.

But guess what? He was saved by Kiara interrupting Kovu's happy entrail scattering mission! Bah. Simba really should send her a bouquet of flowers or a disembowed zebra or...something.
Anyway, the moron let's his daughter run away with a potential serial killer. Good one, Simba! You're damn lucky that Kiara managed to tame the savage beast with her beauty and wit, otherwise you would be down one skivvy, and the other lionesses need all the help they can get to get the Simba-intestines off the walls.

So later on, Simba gets the wrong idea, which happened to be the right idea, but too late. Well of course he got it wrong. Simba has an IQ lower than the amount of victories he has had in his life. It's not surprising. Maybe his mother didn't hold him enough as a cub...Oh sorry, I got carried away again. Ahem ahem. Moving on!

So Simba drives away the new good guy. Oh wait, no he doesn't, that would be indicative of was the magic animals of the Pridelands, underpaid and overworked, who appear at random sporadic moments to leap and yodel and frolic, with the set extras with cattleprods poking their undersides, unseen by the cameras.

Uh, yeah. So the animals sing a song on Simba's cue, and then one of the coolest characters in The Lion King is driven away in the same manner as the long suffering continuity.
Now of course Simba cannot fix this mistake, he is useless. So his long suffering daughter runs off and fixes it for him, and brings Kovu back. Hooray! But oh no, what's that, little underpaid monkey extra? Timmy's down the well? No? What? Simba's being attacked? Oh NO! Let us go, dear viewers, and save our beloved plank!

So off we trot, to find Simba squaring up to Zira. Uh, please do excuse me for a moment, ladies and gentlemen.

Ha...haha. Hahahaha....HA ha ha ha, ha haHAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Simba against Zira? Oh god...don't make me - HAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Okay I'm back. Simba is squaring up to Zira. It's all very tense. Feel the tension!! Now we all know by now, that Zira will kick poor little Simba's arse. And she starts to. Until... *lightning flash!!* Enter Kiara, to save the day, with her manly man lion thing Kovu! Huzzaaaaahhh!! And, yadda yadda yadda, Kiara delivers the magic lines, to make them aaallll stop fighting and love and hug each other and be shiney happy lions. (oh god, the film was great excapt for that smushy ending).

Naturally, our warrior against the plank and all round bad ass Zira is unhappy about this. So, quite rightfully I think, she goes to finish the job that Rafiki should have done in he first place when he held baby Simba over a fatal drop. Why did you waste that opportunity, mann? Whyy?
Anyhoo, she goes to kill our Simbaplank. And of course, he is like a deer in the headlights. A piece of corn in front of a combine harvester, like a kitten in front of a rabid rottweiler. But enter Kiara...again!! Has he sent her her bouquet/disembodied animal carcass yet? No he has not, ladies and gentlemen!

And the woman saves the day, again, deja vu, and some more, she knocks Zira off the cliff, while Simba can only leap about like a magnificent namby pamby, squealing occasionally while his daughter almost dies saving him. Fortunately, Kiara survives, and lives to save her father's arse another day.

The End

Oh wait! No it's not. Get this, this bit is rich.
The Lions decide to go and have a happy happy roar around the big rock, Simba going first, naturally, because he is the *snorts with derisive laughter* hero. Mufasa arives to herald the happy occasion, that Simba has not died, despite his best efforts! Again!!
And do you know what Mufasa says? Wait for it...








"Well done, my son."

Om Me Efff InnnggggGgG Geeee was he NOT WATCHING?!

Did he not seeeee all that I have just described? Well being an anthropomorphosised-lion-shaped-cloud must have wreaked havoc with Mufasa's eyesight.

Here Simba glows and basks in the Mufasa-wind, with a smug expression, as if to say, 'Everyone around here is my bitch.'

Or was that just me?

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Meh Shmeh.

I fell off a desk today. Hey shut up, it really hurt! I have a great big red mark down my side and scrapes on my wrist. When my bruises come through, I am going to make up some really cool story about me wrestling with a gigantic toothless rottweiler and winning. didn't just read that.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Super Interesting Info here!