Thursday, October 27, 2005

SimbaPlank

So anyway, I did it again, in trying to put off doing important things, I decided to write another....random bit of crap that was on my mind.

Meh.

I have thought this for a long time, but never bothered to write it. Don't get me wrong, I love The Lion King. I love it very much. But I have a question. Why is Simba seen as the hero for The Lion King? Why is Simba hailed for saving the day? Why is Simba on all the merchandise? The watches and the socks and the cuddly toys? Simba, I think, is such a plank! Simba does not run the show, everyone else does!

Simba is the main character, true. But it ends there. Simba would have been a mucus slimed trail in the hyenas' digestive system, if not for his daddy leaping in with his scary Darth Vader voice and saving his fuzzy little cute butt in the Elephant Graveyard. His combat skills are, well, negligable, and he keeps on making the same mistakes over and over...I see him as, well, more of a morality lesson that an actual hero. You know, like, 'Hey hey hey kids! Don't screw up as much as I did! Hueeoahahahaha!' morality lesson to children. But he's a damn good one.

Simba ran away from his past and responsibilities after he failed to observe the rather large and slightly alarming event of his father being killed. In the desert, he would have died, if not for Timon and Pumbaa. If they were not there, the film would have ended, right there.
And once they raised him into a new life, he would have stayed away forever and ever. If it were not for Rafiki (and Nala) who managed to both talk, and beat sense into him. My old video is worn out from watching Rafiki bash our Simbaplank on the noggin over and over again...So then Simba returns to the pridelands.

Not mentioning, that Simba, a fully grown male lion, half as big again as the lionesses, gets repeatedly beaten up by girls. No self respecting hero would allow such a thing!

In the final battle, could he have even reached Scar if it were not for the lionesses, Rafiki, and Pumbaa? Not he could not! They gave him the chance to get near to Scar that he needed.
And when he finally 'defeated' Scar, he did not really. He was incredibly lucky. He happened to be near the edge of a long fall. And he simply kicked him off Scar, using a move that Nala taught him. NALA! I mean, it looked like a total accident, just a reflex! Scar, before his error of judgement, who was kicking Simba's arse. Scar drew Simba's blood. Simba drew no blood...Plus Scar has a better theme tune. *shrugs*

Oh! I almost forgot. Scar, by this time, is a near geriatric. Don't they have, like, Age Concern for lions or something? Apparantly not. Now what kind of message is Disney giving our kids? Ach, I just don't know anymore...Hee, Simba got beat up by an old man too...

And once Simba accidentally knocked Scar off the edge of Pride Rock, he couldn't even kill him right. No, the hyenas had to do it for him. What would Simba have done if Scar hadn't aggravated the hyenas so? Scar would have gotten up, gone back to finish Simba off, who would by now, hopefully have gotten a reality check and be hiding behind his mother's ankles.

Ahem. Moving on to the second film. It begins by celebrating Simba's daughter, who has recently undergone a sex change. it's all a bit hush hush. However, what is not hush hush, is the lack of involvement that Simba has in his daughter's life. Good job really. I would not like someone as cool as Neve Campbell having a complete plank raising her. But my point is, see him palming Kiara off into the care of his surrogate parents, Timon and Pumbaa? I sure did.

So what does Simba do all day? Sit around and have his meals brought to him, have his daughter raised for him, and have his battles fought for him. Literally. Sure, occasionally he will sing his daughter a sickly sweet song about how they are one being and joined at the metaphorical hip...Oh, sweet Jesus, RUN Kiara, Oh God RUUNNNN!! Before it's too laaaaaaattte!! *coughs* Ahem, er, sorry, I got a bit carried away there. Moving on!

So Zira hates him because he killed Scar. Umm, no he didn't! But anyway. So she sends this rather cool teenage rebel tall dark and handsome Kovu lion after him to assasinate him. Now Simba would have had his guts torn out and arranged neatly to form the word 'PLANK!' by our Kovu, when he stepped out to drink at the waterhole. You know it's true, he can't even out wrestle his damn wife.

But guess what? He was saved by Kiara interrupting Kovu's happy entrail scattering mission! Bah. Simba really should send her a bouquet of flowers or a disembowed zebra or...something.
Anyway, the moron let's his daughter run away with a potential serial killer. Good one, Simba! You're damn lucky that Kiara managed to tame the savage beast with her beauty and wit, otherwise you would be down one skivvy, and the other lionesses need all the help they can get to get the Simba-intestines off the walls.

So later on, Simba gets the wrong idea, which happened to be the right idea, but too late. Well of course he got it wrong. Simba has an IQ lower than the amount of victories he has had in his life. It's not surprising. Maybe his mother didn't hold him enough as a cub...Oh sorry, I got carried away again. Ahem ahem. Moving on!

So Simba drives away the new good guy. Oh wait, no he doesn't, that would be indicative of proactiveness...it was the magic animals of the Pridelands, underpaid and overworked, who appear at random sporadic moments to leap and yodel and frolic, with the set extras with cattleprods poking their undersides, unseen by the cameras.

Uh, yeah. So the animals sing a song on Simba's cue, and then one of the coolest characters in The Lion King is driven away in the same manner as the long suffering continuity.
Now of course Simba cannot fix this mistake, he is useless. So his long suffering daughter runs off and fixes it for him, and brings Kovu back. Hooray! But oh no, what's that, little underpaid monkey extra? Timmy's down the well? No? What? Simba's being attacked? Oh NO! Let us go, dear viewers, and save our beloved plank!

So off we trot, to find Simba squaring up to Zira. Uh, please do excuse me for a moment, ladies and gentlemen.

Ha...haha. Hahahaha....HA ha ha ha, ha haHAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Simba against Zira? Oh god...don't make me - HAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Okay I'm back. Simba is squaring up to Zira. It's all very tense. Feel the tension!! Now we all know by now, that Zira will kick poor little Simba's arse. And she starts to. Until... *lightning flash!!* Enter Kiara, to save the day, with her manly man lion thing Kovu! Huzzaaaaahhh!! And, yadda yadda yadda, Kiara delivers the magic lines, to make them aaallll stop fighting and love and hug each other and be shiney happy lions. (oh god, the film was great excapt for that smushy ending).

Naturally, our warrior against the plank and all round bad ass Zira is unhappy about this. So, quite rightfully I think, she goes to finish the job that Rafiki should have done in he first place when he held baby Simba over a fatal drop. Why did you waste that opportunity, mann? Whyy?
Anyhoo, she goes to kill our Simbaplank. And of course, he is like a deer in the headlights. A piece of corn in front of a combine harvester, like a kitten in front of a rabid rottweiler. But enter Kiara...again!! Has he sent her her bouquet/disembodied animal carcass yet? No he has not, ladies and gentlemen!

And the woman saves the day, again, deja vu, and some more, she knocks Zira off the cliff, while Simba can only leap about like a magnificent namby pamby, squealing occasionally while his daughter almost dies saving him. Fortunately, Kiara survives, and lives to save her father's arse another day.

The End




























Oh wait! No it's not. Get this, this bit is rich.
The Lions decide to go and have a happy happy roar around the big rock, Simba going first, naturally, because he is the *snorts with derisive laughter* hero. Mufasa arives to herald the happy occasion, that Simba has not died, despite his best efforts! Again!!
And do you know what Mufasa says? Wait for it...

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"Well done, my son."


Om Me Efff InnnggggGgG Geeee was he NOT WATCHING?!

Did he not seeeee all that I have just described? Well being an anthropomorphosised-lion-shaped-cloud must have wreaked havoc with Mufasa's eyesight.

Here Simba glows and basks in the Mufasa-wind, with a smug expression, as if to say, 'Everyone around here is my bitch.'

Or was that just me?

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