Sunday, November 13, 2005

Word Count 3

Okay so I got to 1545 words, which is great, because it's a 1500 word essay. Unfortunately, it cannot be more than 1500. So I just spent ten minutes cutting it, and now I am on 1547 words, which is two more words then when I started cutting it.

...I'm confused.

Word Count 2

1310 words. Yay.

Stupid People

Does anyone see the irony in semiliterate people giving negative book reviews? I do.

The world is full of stupid people. I have too much contact with them, and I am going to say that this is the reason for my current neurosis.

How come it's legal to be stupid, but it's illegal to kill stupid people? Heck it's even illegal to damage them a little bit. Come on, no one would notice. they would just think that they walked into a wall or something, it's what stupid people do.

I am also becoming a xenophobe.

Stupid people suck.

That is all.

Word Count

1087 words. Go me. Another 400 something to go.

Current mood is, come near me and I will blow your head off with whatever is to hand. Flamethrower, cocktail sticks, marshmallows, whatever really. Go away.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Incoming book rant. Oh god run while you still can.

*beeps* Incoming book rant...take cover as of immediately. Do not stop to gather personal possessions. Proceed to the nearest bunker, get into the crash position, and nod and smile.

So someone told me that they had read a review of Northern Lights, that claimed that the books were utterly racist, because they had no black characters.


Moving on from this highly ignorant statement, that I am sure requires no explanation as to why we are moving on, I decided to go and read some of the reviews written by people who reeaaaaly didn't like the book.

Now don't get me wrong, if a person read it, and didn't like it, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, if they can give a half decent reason, such as, they disagreed with the message, they thought it was written in a boring way, they just couldn't get into it, they have read better, etc etc. There were some reviewers who wrote genuinely good reasons for why they disliked the book, that although I disagreed with myself, I understood. However, my main purpose of searching the reviews, was to find another gem, such as 'HDM iz racist. There is no black people!'

I wasn't disappointed. Have a read of what I found:

I mean, it is not well written, it is not clever, it is simplistic, it is
shallow (characters and storyline). And yet, people seem to love it. How can
this possibly be? From Lyra and Pan (her "daemon" some kind of pointless animal
shaped kindred spirit) the book is a farce. Quite ruidiculous!!!

Oh god this one had me in stitches. Simplistic...only if you read it with your eyes closed. But the best bit, is the "some kind of pointless animal shaped kindred spirit"

....*chokes back manical laughter* Animal shaped kindred spirit? Oh my god, that is beautiful...Yes, Pantaliamon is actually a kindred spirit to Lyra. He is actually just like a twelve year old girl bursting to get out, he likes to play on the roof, and he can't help being animal shaped, nor can he help being stuck to Lyra as if by superglue. Nah, 'reader from london', the only ruidiculous thing here is the fact that you read a whole book with your eyes half closed.

Don’t get me wrong this is not a bad book; just not a great one either, even
accounting for adult taste in a book written for children. It is standard
children’s fiction – precocious children pitted against the malevolent wit of
nasty adults with cutesy talking animals as companions. It has Walt Disney
written all over it.

...cutesy talking animals...cutesey talking animals?? What the hell is with the talking animal thing? Well I don't need to explain what a daemon is to you, obviously. You know how they are quite a bit far away from being cutesy talking animals. Did you see how Northern Lights was like Disney? Um, at all? Them there polar bears didn't sing a song about friendship, love, they ripped each other into pieces and ate internal organs...

hey, i reckon northern lights is like, an ok kinda book. but it was sorta boring
during heaps of places. but some places it was ok and kinda suspensful... i
think i'm just repeating myself. anywayz, it was an ok book but i don't think i
would have read it if it wasn't compulsary for school and stuff, so yeah.

Heh, you lucky sod, I wish it was compulsory at my school.

A lot of people were saying, that they did not understand how this lived up to Tolkien. Me niether...who on earth said that HDM was like Tolkien? Do you have any idea how this is anything like Tolkien? And...can you please explain it?

Also, did you know, that I once spoke to someone in a bookshop who tried to tell me that Northern Lights ripped off things from Harry Potter. It's a bit hazy...I think, I might have pointed out how Northern Lights was published in 1995, Harry Potter in 1997, or I might have choked on my own frustration that stupid people are allowed talk about books, and then had to have been rushed to hospital...I can't remember.

And my last question, note the tone of frustration and despair in my voice...Why the FARK does everyone compare everything literary to Tolkien?? As if Tolkien is the perfect mould, and anything that deviates from him, is poor, and anything that doesn't deviate from him, is a rip off! Gaahh! Tolkien wasn't the first writer, or the first to fame, or the most skilled author to have ever lived and breathed! Yet everyone always says 'like Lord of the Rings' or 'this copies Lord of the Rings' and similar comparisons. Arg, why?

People compare Eragon to LOTR, they compare Harry Potter to LOTR, they compare HDM to LOTR, and they actually compare every bluddy thing that qualifies to be fantasy, to LOTR. Like I said, if it is similar, then it is a rip off. If it is not, then it is crap, and does not live up to Tolkien. Arrggg...*nerve twitches* Why? Why why why why whyyyyy???

Tolkien didn't invent fantasy! And there are extremists out there, who actually think that he did? I have also met extremists, who tried to tell me, that if I don't like LOTR, then I am not a fan of fantasy. Full stop. Um, I was not impressed. Tolkien is one of the first, or possibly the first, to be famous in the fantasy genre. Now me, I don't like LOTR much at all, but that's not the point. Tolkien didn't invent elves. He didn't invent dwarves, he didn't invent wizards, he didn't invent magic, or fantastic battles, or dragons, or swords and axes and bows and arrows and stuff...That was all there before!

Yet if anyone writes a book with these things in it, they are instantly put into the 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' category I listed before. To rip off, or not to rip off? That is the question.


Heee, I totally ranted about ripping off things, and ripped off a quote from Hamlet to do it...See what I did there? Heh, yea I know, it wa -

Umm...sorry, got all proud of myself there. I'm back!Anyway, I lost my train of thought now. Um, yeah. My point is: Haha! Look at the silly reviews. Why why why why why (you get the message) do people compare everything on this earth to Tolkien and LOTR???

*shakes fist* WHHHYYYYYYYYY?????

Oh feel the drama...

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


Heh I'm lazy. Go me!

Friday, November 04, 2005


A police officer pulls a Navy Chief over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Navy Chief Petty Officer: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Navy Chief: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Navy Chief: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Navy Chief: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Navy Chief: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Navy Chief: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Navy Chief: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Navy Chief: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Navy Chief: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Navy Chief: Yeah, I'll bet the liar said that I was speeding, too.