Monday, January 09, 2006


Can anyone still remember what it was like, when to be a celebrity, actually meant something? I really can't, and I was hoping that someone could, just in order to save my last shred of sanity. See, I admit that I have watched a little bit of that new Celebrity Big Brother, because, well, to be frank, they are all quite watchable FREAKS. I do like the spikes in that basketball player's nose, I admit. I would love to do that myself, but on me it would just look like I had an accident with a blunderbuss. And if you don't know what one of those, is, well, just go and sit in the corner. And take some copies of Dandy with you.


Celebrities. Or pseudo celebrities, as they shall be known. Let's call them PC for short. There's a pun there somewhere, but I don't care. They're so infuriating. As my friend Benny says, they are people who think that they're the shit, when quite clearly, they are the cocks. Nicely put thurr Benny. He makes a good point. Now here are a few Celebrities. Madonna is one. Elton John is one. Einstien, in a way, is too. So was Diana, so's Johnny Depp, Stephen King, Tolkien, JK Rowling, Tim Burton, and many many others. "Samuel L Jackson!" pipes up Benny. Well if you insist, then him too. the way I am struggling to NOT go into a rant about how if any of these big brother contestants met the REAL Big Brother, they would run around screaming and go insane from the horror of what he entails. I'll give you ruddy big brother...

Now this Celebrity (I use the term incredibly loosely) Big Brother bugs me, as it is full of, well, PCs. Sure one or two of them may qualify, but did you know who that girl from Baywatch was? Did you recognise that...boring guy from that band no one has heard of, with the brown hair? Do you know who that funny man with the girl's face is? I did start to hear voices in my head that were singing "You spin me round round baby right round, like a record baby, right round, baby right round, something something something..." but I wasn't too concerned, I just thought I'd eaten some funny cheese or something.

And that woman called Faria. She is 'famous' for having affairs with two football managers. Oy, now that, that, is really low. She gets to wear the title celebrity because she had an affiar with two married men?

And did anyone recognise - *coughs* Maggot? I know that I personally have tried to repress the fact that Goldie Looking Chain ever eixsted, let alone made my ears bleed with the cacophonious farce that they call music, but I really cannot maintain my naturally taciturn and composed exterior any longer.


...MAGGOT? What in the name of all holy fuck and the little elves too, is up with that?!? The nickname Maggot...I have never heard a worse one, in my entire life. It's not clever, it is not big, nor indicative of anything important like talent or some deeper meaning. Furthermore, it is distinctly's a small ugly writhing worm that no one wants to look at. You can insert your own joke there, knock yourself out.

....the highlight of my evening was watching Chantelle ask, "Is it pronounced Magg - ot, or Magg - it?" Oh, bless you dear, that's not what you say. What you do say is "Oh GOD man what possessed you? Change your name, change your name, for the love of GOD and all the little children change your naaaaaaamme!!"

But the hilarious thing? Is that, as Davina Mcall said about sixty times on the opening night, they have put a "non celebrity" in the house. Em, I hate to break it to you love, but I think you put about a dozen in there. I love the way in which she puts so much emphasis, on how terribly scandalous the fact that there is a 'non celeb' in there, and how awful it is that the poor thing has to compete with these famous people. But...I wouldn't be too worried. I don't think that anyone knows who each other are, and they sure as hell aren't going to notice if someone hasn't done as little - uh, I meant as much, as they have.

And the way in which 'non celebrities' become 'celebrities' by doing nothing! Take people like Jade Goody for example. A woman as aesthetically offensive as she is godawfully annoying. The reason that she got so many sodding TV time and magazine interviews, is, because she is stupid. It's harsh, but it's true, and she's getting paid shitloads for being stupid so she can damn well take some criticism from me as well as the money. She went into a Big Brother which was for normal people, and came out famous, for being stupid and loud and in your face. It's It undermines people who work hard, and no one knows their names. You know, the faces behind the cameras and stuff.

Now another thing that annoys me somewhat, is how, when it comes to films, it's the actors and actresses who get all the credit, and get their names put first when the credits roll. The order of interest, when it comes to films, for most people, goes: Actors, directors, people who provided the music, and maybe the people who provided the special effects. It's not fair. I wouldn't be suprised, if the actors did relatively little for the film, and all those hundreds of other people who's names are on the credits but you never see, did three times as much.

Also, some celebrities are more celebrity than others, and it's not fair.

Try this. Wander up to someone, and say, "do you like the Terminator Trilogy?" And they may say "Hoo hell yes, robots rool!" or they may say "Naw, I got really bored and went to watch My Little Pony instead. It soothes my nerves."

And if you ask them, "do you like Arnold Schwarzenegger?" They may say "I'll be back" in a sub-standard Austrian accent and giggle like a moron for ten minutes, or they might say "Nah, big musclebound ageing actor/wannabe mayors don't do it for me."

And, you coouuuld say to them, "do you like James Cameron?" And they might go "Yes! I am one of the few individuals you seek who actually pay attention to who directs films, aren't I good?" or they may say "Hunh? I like robotz."

But, my point is, if you were to say to this Joe Bloggs, "do you like Stan Winston?" Then you don't really have two options, you're pretty much going to get a blank stare, and possibly dribble. Hey this guy says "robotz" when he speaks, anything is possible. My point is, Stan Winston did more for the Terminator films then most of the actors, and would have gotton paid less, and no one knows who he is. My next point is, the 'celebrities' who do less work, are more well known than this guy. It's not right. Stan Winston IS the Terminator. Not Arnie.

While we have our dribbling Joe Bloggs on hand, let's ask him if he likes Kate Beckinsale. He will most likely be unable to answer as the PVC fills his vision and he lapses into a coma, but as least this proves that he knows who she is, and has some concept of Underworld. But once you resuscitate the guy by whispering in his ear that the Borgs are coming and then restrain him long enough to ask him who Patrick Tatopaulos is, then you aren't getting any answers out of him, and it's not because he's trying to run like the wind for fear of assimilation either. It's because no one knows who Tatopaulos is. Granted, hees 'eavy French acceent makes 'eem 'ard to unnerstand zometimes, but that's not the point. The point is, no one knows who animates things, but everyone knows who acts in things. Arg! It bugs me, it really does. I completely lost my train of thought and don't even know where I am. I had a point, but it got lost somewhere after the first dozen words or so. I think it was something to do with damn celebrities who didn't do anything, and how the true talent behind the films never gets recognised...Ah well. screw it. Have a nice day! Eat carrots.


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