Thursday, January 19, 2006


New printers need more attention than newborn babies.

What the hell is it with printers (and other assorted software systems) and how needy they are?? I don’t get it. Now I’m not even old, but I think that a well placed “In my daaayyy, we didn’t have any of this *insert nostalgic crap about something nobody gives a damn about here* stuff that printers need to do in order to serve you. *croaky voice* I can remember the day when you plugged the printer into the computer, and it sat in the corner, and it printed.

I bought you! I paid for you, and now you are taking up far too much of my time. As I write this, I am installing my new printer/scanner/photocopier that Santa Claus brought me. (W000T!!) Now I started doing it at eight o clock. It is now 8.55. I am up to the install software CD bit, and it says 7% completed.

7%. It’s fricking nine o clock you needy bastard! Why has it taken me so long? I’ll tell you why.

So I opened the box, expecting to find a printer, a plug, and maybe a manual telling me to plug in the printer. Instead, falls out a printer, a ‘quick guide’ an instruction book, two small packets with ink in them, a registration card, and a shopping card, a cable, another cable, and another one too, all with ports I have never seen before. That, and two installation CDs, which are wrong in themselves and should not be allowed to exist. For reasons as to why, see the term ‘Plug and play.’

After almost falling over from the sheer horror of what I was about to undertake, I started to try to put all this equipment in order. And not cry. I opened the instruction book. It was nine pages long. This, is wrong, for ‘plug and play’ contains three words, three syllables, and no work. This alone, would not take up NINE PAGES. I was most confused. But I decided to pay attention to what the multi lingual instruction manual was telling me, and start piecing the cables together and like a jigsaw puzzle from the printer manufacturing shop from hell.

So once I had plugged it all in, added paper, added ink, pressed the buttons in some weird order in a fashion that bordered on OCD to make it print something that I then had to scan in in order to get ‘the best quality’ (side note, how on earth is scanning on a page that the thing printed out going to make it scan better? No, really, I genuinely want to know. You know what the answer is? Nothing! It’s only so that they can watch us go from mildly annoyed to pissed off to manic to homicidal in point three seconds. I don’t know who they are though. They’re just there.) I added the installation disc. And am currently sitting watching a status bar fill up at the speed of nothing.. 10%. I’m bored.

But the most entertaining thing about this horrible monstrosity that I am currently trying to appease, is how just now it asked me if I wanted to connect to the internet, so that the printer can download necessary updates in order to improve it’s performance and keep up to date. What the fu…in the name of all holy cheese, IT’S A GODDAMN PRINTER!! I bought it, and if, in two months time, it is remotely different to the way it is now, I am going to be cheesed off. Connecting to the internet is not going to make my printer print better! My printer, does not, repeat, NOT need internet connectivity! My printer is NOT going to order books from Amazon, it is NOT going to bid at auctions on ebay, it is NOT going to stay up all night chatting with it’s friends on msn….what the fark does it want internet connectivity for?? I mean, it’s bad enough, that such a complicated structure such as yourself does not understand the simple concept ‘plug and play’ but you want the internet too? Screw you. You’re going to sit in the corner and print stuff like your grandparents used to.

17%. Oh god, why do you hate me?!

And just a minute ago, it growled at me. No, really, it went ‘Rrrrrrrckkkrrrrrrrrckrrrrrr’ and moved a little. I don’t know what it’s doing. Maybe it really wants msn and it’s going to chew my ankle off if I don’t give it to it.

….help me.

Now the printer, that’s complicated. But the instruction manual? That’s just anal. It’s got these big letters at the beginning, saying things like ‘DO NOT INSERT THE USB PORT BEFORE INTRUCTION NUMBER 15 PART II, OR THE SOFTWARE WILL NOT LOAD PROPERLY.’

…oh now you’re just taking the piss. And it did, I got stuck on instruction number 11, where it was supposed to print something after you pressed the on button, that you needed to carry on with the installation. And true to it’s desire to overly complicate things to the point of you want to commit suicide, it had no instructions as to what to do if it did not print this ‘essential’ bit of paper.

After sitting around waiting for something to happen and getting nothing, I did what any self respecting logical and intelligent human being would do.

I button bashed.

After beating anything that looked like it might slightly resemble a button, I finally got the damned bit of paper. Hooray! No early death for me just yet.

Oh my gooooddddd…26%. *sobs brokenly* It wouldn’t be so bad if this whole thing wasn’t all completely unnecessary, ridiculous, and I didn’t have a headache.

And just now, it asked me again, if I wanted to connect to the HP website in order to download the lastest updates. It had this box, that said –

Yes, connect now.

Yes, remind me again in a week.

Yes, remind me again in a day.

Do not remind me again.

That box is grossly inaccurate. They missed out the most important box, I can’t believe they did that! They missed out the box that says ‘SODOFFYOUBLOODY ANNOYINGREMINDER I’VESEENYOUEIGHTTIMESALREADY YOU’RE NOTGETTINGTHEINTERNET ANDIFYOUDON’TBOGOFF IAMGOINGTODROPYOUINABATH YOUNEEDYBASTARD.’



So I decided to write all this while I watch the bar fill up and watch three hours of my life drain away before my eyes. So in the last, I can’t even remember how long, my new printer has required assembly, internet access, paper, ink, internet access, installation that is taking forever, and internet access. It got most of those things. Next, it plans to ask me why I don’t call it anymore, and why I don’t look at it in the same way, and why I have been round the house of that younger HP Laserjet plus down the road all the time.

So now here I am with my laptop on my desk, surrounded by a nine-page instruction book, printer cartridge wrappers, polystyrene, two software CDs, too many wires to count, and a clingy printer that growls at me. I can barely move! I’m going to go get tea and possibly meditate. I don’t even know how to meditate, but right now, it just seems right.

‘Installation complete’ Whooobloodyhooo and hellefrickinlulyah and yay! Now I get to play wid it.

I did something I did something! It works! See?

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I'm so happy.


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