Sunday, February 05, 2006

Tolkien Rant

If I see, just one. More. Person. Write a book review, about any fantasy novel who then proceeds to compare the book to Tolkien, I am, in fact, you going to kill all you bastards. Yes, even you.

If a book is published into the fantasty genre, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, compares it to Tolkien.

If the book is similar to Tolkien, they say it is a rip off. If it is different to Tolkien, they say it is not as good as Tolkien.

....

I hate you all.

I have news for you. Tolkien sucks. You need to accept this. Tolkien is boring, long winded, dull, boring, langweilig, boring, sophorific, boring, and distincly, not special. LOTR made a pretty film. That is all. The book is dull. The Hobbit orginated as a story that Tolkien read to his children as a bedtime story. So was Farmer Giles. For anyone not residing on this planet, a bedtime story is something that you read to your children to make them fall asleep.

Do you catch my drift yet?

And let's not even talk about The Silmarilion. Oh. My. God. We don't need to know every single little detail about every elf's family tree, spanning back four thousand years, before we can move on with the story. Just name the goddamned character and then move on.

Tolkien is boring. And always will be boring. And, most of all (listen closely you muppets) TOLKIEN IS NOT A TEMPLATE FOR FANTASY. If he was, fantasy would not be as good. If Tolkien invented elves and dwarves and orcs, then I'm a damned fairy. Next time you hear a person declare that the Urgals of Eragon are a rip off of the Orcs of LOTR, kindly deck them immediately, and once they regain consciousness, inform them that Tolkien based his orcs on a race in another story written before LOTR. And that story probably didn't invent them, either, and furthermore, the concept of 'big brutish muscled unintelligent shock troops' is copyrighted and owned by no one.

The lesson? NOTHING IN FANTASY IS ORIGINAL OR OWNED BY ANYONE.

Stop comparing Pullman to Tolkien. Stop comparing Trudi Canavan to Tolkien. Stop comparing Christopher Paolini, JK Rowling, Anne McCaffrey, Rosemary Sutcliff, CS Lewis, Brian Jacques, Lewis Caroll, and every bloody Tom, Dick, and Frodo -

Stoppit stoppit stoppit stoppit!!

My message for today, is:

STOP COMPARING EVERYTHING IN BOOK FORMAT TO TOLKIEN YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER n00bs

1 Comments:

Anonymous JRR Tolkien rolled in his grave said...

I feel you bro. I feel you.
Tolkien was a writer and not a god. Everytime someone throws in some dwarfs and elves in their stories, or write using old english words, they'll be looked down upon and ignored because of that old fart who, INFACT, copied most of his works from Beowulf and the Epic of Gilgamesh. He was obssessed with Middle-earth, he spent his entire life creating a dead language that no ones speaks or gives much !@#$%^&* about. Nowadays, creating a fictional language needs only as much as a play of words. But you know what? Tolkien was a Catholic. I don't blame him for going crazy. I blame Jesus, and the 2000-years-old book of desert stories, and the priests who touched him in the tower when he was writing poetry.

G.R.R. Martin is our new Tolkien. We ain't need no dead wiggers anymore.

8:15 am  

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