Sunday, April 30, 2006

Spiking Food

I spiked some more of the things I keep in my fridge today. I am sick of them being stolen. I would like to pat myself on the back for what I did to this batch, though. I will not go into the things that I have had stolen from me, because there are too many things. I am more offended and hurt by the extreme scummy lack of respect for me, when I don't do anything bad to anyone, than I am the cost. I've been made quite upset.

Aswell as other things, I keep getting orange juice stolen from the fridge..it goes above and beyond the call of rudeness. Besides the obvious cost, I have no transportation or anything, so I have to carry it a reasonable distance, and everyone knows that carrying liquids when you shop, they are really really heavy. And my shoulders are busted as it is. So I pay for them, carry them home, only for them to be promptly stolen with no respect..I'm so pissed off I won't go into it. So I did something about it. I've done stuff to food before, but this had pretty strong effects.

So I went out and bought some salt, fairy liquid, and some sacrificial cartons of orange juice. I took a jug and spoon, and went into my room and started mixing things. I poured the orange juice into a carton, kept the carton, and then examined the drink. I was going to put fairy liquid into it. But whatever it was that I did to it, I was going to sample it, to see what it tasted like, and partly to make sure I didn't kill anyone. I chickened out of drinking soap.

So instead, I poured a reasonably large amount of salt into the juice, not knowing how much would be needed. I stirred it, sniffed it, looked at it, and it didn't look or smell remotely different. Then I took a teaspoon, and sipped a really small amount, like you would sip soup.

Oh. My. God. Whoabloody...wow.

I ran - no - lunged into my bathroom, managed to wait 0.7 seconds before I spat it out into the sink, and promptly proceeded to wash my mouth out as quick as I could. You..you have no idea. You really need to try such a thing to understand just what it tastes like. It's like a torture device. It's just like physical pain, it's the most horrible horrible sensation you could have on your tongue. Ever. It makes all your tastebuds and nose just scream in protest. I was lucky to get into my bathroom. I almost threw up. And I only sampled a few drops. And I knew what was coming.

So quite happy, I put the salted orange juice back into the carton, sealed it, and put it in the fridge, where I know it will be stolen, again. I know that the people doing the stealing are the same ones who keep me awake all night and day too, I hope they get a nice shock. I am sad that I won't be able to watch the results.

I have a newfound, really, really, reeeaaaally healthy respect for salt. It is all powerful.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Nerds

The release of the Lord of the Rings films has changed our entire nerd culture. It has caused the birth of a whole new generation of nerds. I for one find them fascinating. We officially have new nerds. What have happened to our Trekkies? They are slowly disappearing while the Tolkien generation takes over the world. Who are the Tolkien generation? You will know them by the large black T Shirt with some LOTR related motif on it such as ‘My friend went to Mordor and all I got was this lousy T Shirt’ or some inscription in Elvish. The Elvish font can be distinguished by the fact that it looks as if several spiders have crawled onto the page and fallen over and died. These new nerds also like to wear a bronze ring hanging round their neck by a chain, also enjoy sporting lank greasy hair that looks like it has not seen shampoo since the start of the millenium. Sometimes known as the 'Aragorn do'.

These are the new nerds. The old nerds have been usurped. The old nerds used to ask their girls around them if they could pronounce their name in Klingon. But these new nerds, they ask the poor long suffering females if they can pronounce their name in Elvish. I think it went something like this:

Nerd/1990s and before - "Hey, doll, wanna hear your name in Klingon?"

“Uh, actually I have this..thing that I -”

“Tavana Azetbur Aperokei. Gurr.”

"...I have to go now."

"..I'll be waiting."


Nerd-2000s – “Hey, doll, wanna hear your name in Elvish?”

“Gosh darn, y'know there's this thi - ”

“Idril Culnámo Elanessë.”

"..."

Neither attempt resulted in what the vast majority of the population like to call ‘pulling'. But this is not the point. This is the point. Gone! Are the pointy ears and angular blue suits. In! Are the broadswords and the chainmail. he question is, which nerd do you prefer? And which nerd shall come next?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

The Sandman

Have you heard of The Sandman? To the tune of The Muffin Man

Oh, do you know the Sand Man,
The Sand Man, the Sand Man,
Oh, do you know the Sand Man,
That lives on - uh...his own dimensional plane?


The Sandman. Th - The SANDMAN! He is taking over my reading life.

Meep. And other assorted minute noises of panic.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

A Fight to the Death.

Gene Wilder vs. Jonny Depp. Let the Battle of the Willys commence.



"I can take a sunrise and sprinkle it with dew."

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"So? I'm an amazing chocolatier."

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"Yeah? Well my Oompah Loompahs are all little people with orange faces and green hair."

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"Well my Oompah Loompahs are all creepy 30 inch exact replicas of Deep Roy."

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"Well my Charlie is all stoic. And his lip trembles. AND his jumper isn't fugly."

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"Well my Charlie's got big brown eyes. And they go all doey when he's sad. And his jumper is not fugly!"

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"Well MY Grandpa doesn't look like a tortoise."

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"Oh no you did not!"





"I taught the children the importance of honesty and respecting your friend's secrets."

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"So? I dealt with father issues."

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"At least I don't look like Michael Jackson."

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". . . ."

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"MUMBLER!"

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"At least I didn't rely on cheap sexual innuendos to get laughs out of the audience."

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"Are you dissing my nuts?"

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"I've got Christopher Lee and Helena Bonham Carter."

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"So you've got a wizard and a monkey. Oooo I'm shaking.

Who cares? I'm GENE WILDER!"

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"And I'm Jonny Depp. And I have fangirls."

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"...dammit."

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Monday, April 17, 2006

Hmm.

My brain feels like it's being poked with a thousand external invisible intangible needles that regain their tangibility only the moment they are past my skull and brain fluid.

Nice.

What's the difference between spearmint, peppermint, and normal mint? It's an intriguing question.

Why'd those damned porters have to go away...I need help. There's no one to reduce the noise that these fuckwads in my flat feel it is their duty to make 24/7, from brain shattering, to merely offensively loud.

Last night I had to bash on my flatmates door three times and he couldn't hear me over his music. Then the third time I went BANG BANG BANG on his door, he shouted something at me in Greek, I am assuming it was "Come in," because he clearly thought I was one of his bastard friends. So I went in and he couldn't see me because he was in his bathroom and I'm not walking into some guy's bathroom. So I stomped out and got his slightly less deaf friend to go in there and switch his music off for him. I am disappinted I didn't get to see him. I was really in the mood to shout and I wanted to give him hell.

There's no one to call to sort them out now. It may be the holidays, but it doesn't mean that there's not still students who are living here who need help.

I hate my flat.

This is actually ridiculous. And it's not just me. Everone I have spoken to in Uni who has people from Greece on their flat suffers from exactly the same thing. Actually, I barely even had to speak to them. It was more of an exchange of nods. You know, like

"So you've got Greek people in your flat, huh?"

*meaningful nod*

*returns meaningful nod*

"Shit. How many?"

"Three."

"Me too! How many women do they have?"

"Often three, but it can range from two all the way up to five, depending on the weather conditions."

"Oh bad luck. We have two that keep coming back, they are there every night."

*meaningful nod*

*returns meaningful nod*

"Please excuse me, I need to go and find somewhere to cry now."

"Me too."


Perhaps I should explain. Would you like to hear about my, ah, delightful flatmates? I believe I may have mentioned it before. But people from Greece are all loud bastards. They go above and beyond the call of ear shattering.

...everyone here knows what a misfortune it is to have Greek people on your flat, because they all seem to be the same. I even went to explain my problem to the College Residence officer, she looked at the names, saw that they were Greek, and practically said "Say no more." to me. No seriously.

The ones on my flat, like to shout. There are three of them, they seem to be pretty good friends. But what they love to do, is converse with each other in the hallway, day and night. This does not mean that all of them are in the hallway. No. There only needs to be one or two in the hallway, any number of them can be in their rooms, they are that loud their voice just goes straight through closed doors. Sometimes they are nice enough to talk in their rooms. Of course, I can still hear them loud and clear through their door, the hallway, all the way through my door too. To give you an idea, there have been several occasions where I have been talking with a friend in my room, and they have been conversing in their rooms oppostite. My voice, and the voice of my friend, gets drowned out, and we have to either stop talking or shout at each other. They are that loud.

I think it is a cultural thing. This does not make it acceptable. This is England. We don't talk at your volume here. So shut the fuck up or go back to your own country.

Do I sound like a xenophobe? Perhaps. I do not care. I certainly was not even slightly xenophobic before I came to University. Where all of the people who give me hassle are foriegn. It is not just the Greeks who have been complete fucknuckles.

I never knew...I never knew how much noise pollution could depress you so. Imagine if your home, had people outside, shouting at you in a foriegn language, 24/7. Just close your eyes and picture it for a moment. Every time you close your eyes you go to sleep, whether it's day or night, someone shouts in your ear. Every time. And throughout the day, you hear loud foriegn music loud and clear in your bedroom, and you don't have anywhere else to go. It's actually quite homicide inducing. It's depressing. Soon I am plan to develop facial tics and jump at sudden movements. I don't know if it would be any better if I could understand a word of what they are saying. I think I have learned one word, I think it is 'fen.' Here is the context.

*Greek guy one goes up to Greek guy two's door, opposite my room. This could be three in the afternoon, or three in the morning, it does not matter*

"Fen." *bang bang bang*

....

"FEN!* *bang bang bang*

......

"FEN!! ALEXANDEROS!!" *BANG BANG BANG*

.........

This goes on for an indiscrimate amount of time before the first guy is permitted entry, or the other does not reply long enough to make the first guy go away.

I will not mention the music. Permit me to say that, if I their music was in English, I would have memorised several albums by now. Nor shall I mention the repeated smoking in a non smoking flat. Hell I don't know what they are smoking but I can smell it through my door and it smells so wrong. Maybe I should not go into the repeated social gatherings which take over all the shared areas of our flat, leaving the few English residents with no where to go, no way that we can even use the facilities that we pay for. Because they are taken over by people who don't even live here.

Oh! They have magical powers. *nods* Oh yes they do. They have develeoped immunity to earplugs. Just the other night, I was trying to sleep, and I heard them playing a game in the hallway. I think they were throwing something at each other. I hope they got hurt. But anyway, I could hear them loud and clear, so I reached for the earplugs I have next to my bed.

...yes I have earplugs next to my bed. This should illustrate my suffering to some extent. Anyway, I put them in. I hate wearing them. They are rough and scratchy and humans are not supposed to endure prolonged amounts of time with orange expanding foam in their ear canals. It is highly uncomfortable. But anyway, I rolled over, went back to sleep and...realised I couldn't. I could hear them through my door, and through my earplugs. Which were in very firmly (I have practice). This is just all kinds of wrong.

Perhaps I should mention the NBs. If I speak to you often, you will probably know what an NB is already. NB is an abbreviated term for noisy bitch. Oh yes, these Greeks have women. Are they noisier than they are? It's a tough one to call. I have developed two handy nicknames for these women. 'The Nasal One.' and 'The Other One.'

The Nasal One. 20 - 25/F/5"4'/Greek. Likes to hang around in our flat in her spare time. Enjoys - shouting, screaming, pressing buzzer to our flat repeatedly like an OCD child with a long attention span. Seeks companion for shouting, screaming, generally being nasal, and perhaps something more. Loud voice is a must. Favourite sayings:

"AaaaaaaAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAhHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!"

"EeeeEEEEEEEheeeheeeEEEEEEEEEEHEEEEHEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

"CONSTANTINOOOOOSSSS!!! EL SOMETHING SOMETHING GREEK HERE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"


The Other One - Like The Nasal One. Only less nasal.

What makes it so bad, and makes these women utterly deserving of the scathing remarks I am delivering, is the fact that they don't even live here yet they inconvenience me to the point of my wanting to jump out of my own window to escape their voices. Fortunately my window does not open that far. So I am as yet uninjured.

If anyone has ever commited murder and has gotton away with it, please email me with details as to how.

...no no, I am serious. Oh god please do. I am living in a box full of non stop noise day and night and there is nothing to do now except kill people.

Peppermint tastes green. Spearmint, tastes blue. Wheras normal mint, well that just tastes white.

I need a hug.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

That Damned Ronso Again

The things we do to distract ourselves. <---Link

Never draw anything with lots of fur and hair. Never ever. Neverneverneverdothat. Because once you start you have to finish it. Havetocan't help it. Have to havetofinish. Bad. Bad. *rocks gently*

Thursday, April 13, 2006

...

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Thoughts at four in the morning

I need to cure my insomnia. Currently, I am sitting at my desk, with my headphones in, listening to trance music with heavy bass. Really loud. So much so in fact, that I cannot hear a thing. At all. And I am bobbing my head quite a lot. I look like a complete fool.

Aren't you sometimes really really glad that no one is around to see you?

Oh but this is fun.

Someone once asked me which film I thought was better, out of Underworld and Van Helsing. It's a good question. Let's look at the good, the bad, and the ugly. Here goes.

Underworld – The Good

Kate Beckinsale.

Atmosphere. The fact that the whole film was pretty much at night, and filmed with that funny setting that made everything appear a dark blue colour, bordering on black and white, was a very good touch.

Erika sticking herself to the ceiling. And Michaels face. Oh, how I laughed...

An undeniably kick arse plot. An original story, which had never really been done before. I mean the genetics and biology and hybrid stuff, not the Romeo and Juliet stuff.

PVC. Enough said.

Masterful werewolves. I could talk about these for years…but I won’t. Let’s just say that those wolfers are walking works of art.

Raze. Taciturn, robot sounding, brawny muscled werewolf warriors. We need more of those. Every film should have one.

Kraven. I thought he was a brilliant character, and the fact that his fangs made it slightly tricky for the actor to talk, but, they made him enunciate each word and lisp slightly, which, I thought suited his eloquent and vain character, very much.

Selene smacking Kraven in the nose.

The transformation sequences. The way in which the beast bulges and cracks and shoves it’s way out of the human…I thought it was awesome.

The soundtrack was great.

The ending. Was that possibly the best set up for a sequel, ever?

Kate Beckinsale.



Underworld - The Bad

The half a dozen or so times Kraven accidentally slipped into an Irish accent for no apparent reason. "Besoides for fooood, whoi would lycans starlk a hyuuman?"

The fact that Lucian and Raze had to die. Whyyyy?

Guns. A few guns are alright. But there were too many guns…

Michael’s much hyped up hybrid did look a teeny bit like a human with blue skin and contacts.

Just a little bit.



Underworld – The Ugly

Kraven’s nails. No one wants to see that.





Van Helsing – The Good


Kate Beckinsale.

Non stop well choreographed (if often unbelievable) action scenes. Lots of action is always a plus! And such diverse action too. Flying vampire women attacking the village, a horse and carriage chase, quality fight scenes, cool crossbows and gadgets, stuff like that.

The way in which, near the beginning, when Dracula is talking, you see his batlike face flash up, for a split second, when the lightning flashes. That made me blink!

The Computer Graphics. Oh my, words actually fail me, they were so so good. Again, I coulrd talk about them for hours, so I shall stop there.

That corset.

The reinvention of classic characters from horror. Who didn’t enjoy seeing Dracula, Frankenstien’s Monster, and The Wolfman, all shiney and new and not black and white? Frankenstien was pretty funny. He was like "Bite my patchwork arse, bitch."

…the beginning. When everyone thought that it was actually black and white, and that there was a problem with the film reel, and then we find out that it was deliberate. I liked that.

The kick arse vampire chicks. Sure, their overacting could be annoying sometimes, but I was on the edge of my seat when they first appeared and started attacking the village. WOW!

The fact that the nerdy sidekick got laid, but the handsome super main character who looked a bit like Wolverine did not. Hehe. Chicks must just love a short guy in a woolen habit.

Kate Beckinsale.



Van Helsing – The Bad

The fact that, Frankenstien is clever and talented enough, to create life from stolen body parts, but too thick to notice that the guy who employed him is dead.

Contrary to what these filmmakers thought, it is a physical impossibility, for lightening to flash every point five seconds.

ANNA: You sure you want to be the bait? I mean, you are the last surviving son of our family and all.
VELKAN: Nah, I'm good.

The terrible plot that seemed, as if it was being improvised by the characters as they went along.

The sheer amount of times, people and monsters swung from things…especially ropes. I need to count it. But oh my god, if I had a pound for every time someone swung through the air by a rope or chain or grappling hook, I would be a very rich person indeed.

Dracula was about as scary as the Andrex Puppy.

The VanWolf, although fantastic, did look like an advert for Head and Shoulders Shampoo. Never have a seen such a pretty, glossy, well groomed, and manicured werewolf in my life. Yes folks, nine out of ten werewolves, prefer Head and Shouders.

The fact that Anna drew her sword about ten times, but never actually got to swing it, let alone use it.

The way in which, the script set up so many good opportunities for great one liners, and then, didn’t take them. Too many to remember…but for example, the part where Anna says “Zome zay, zat you are good, Meester ‘Elsing. Others zay, zat you are evil. Which is it?” or something like that, and then Helsing replies “Hmm. It’s a bit of both.” …..that was a CRAP response!

The ending. Seeing Anna’s face in the clouds…no. Just…no.



Van Helsing - The Ugly

That ponytail. That damned ponytail. Oh, Dracula has a ponytail. Baby Jesus wept.

To this day, no one, I mean, NO ONE, is completely sure of how Anna died, from landing on a sofa. Death by...excess confort?

“ And perhaps, ze return, ov my reeeng!” Followed by Dracula showing his, ah, ‘missing’ finger (which was clearly curled behind his hand. And, the quite disastrous fact, that we all know that his finger was present throughout the entirety of the film beforehand.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Hoobloodyrayy!

I did it! I finally finished making myself a new blog, after about four days of moving things, rewriting things, reuploading things...I needs to get me a life. But I don't care.

Now I don't have to have a blog that any old person who uses msn can look at everytime I update it. The only bad thing, is that I can't move all my comments over from my old blog. So none of my entries have comments. It looks like I have no friends whatsoever. So I will now give hugs for comments. On any posts, doesn't matter which, I will see them all. Please make me look as if I have friends. *sniff*

That's not to say I didn't ever get any weird comments from people I don't even know. For example:

Do u often stay up in wonder bout tng threw da nxt mrnin srt of tng or is dis jst one off! i often cant get to slep n sit up wndern bout stpd tngs n questions lol. its totaly mad but true. eva wana tlk im ere. dats sunds so sad lol


Exactly.

Anyway. Uhm, that's all really. I have a new home. Scroll down, there be birdies.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I Am So Boring at the Moment

Ack I need to figure out how to sew. I can't do it. Well I can, but whatever I produce is the ugliest thing you have ever seen in fabric form. I need to fix my shirt. Dammit, if I broke something that was made of wood or metal or clay or anything else I would be able to repair it. I am going to have to wait for someone with more feminine skills than me to come and rescue me. Sigh. I also need some clever person to come along and tell me how to work NTI DVD burner, because I still can't work it.

By the way, try watching this if you haven't seen it. It's a short animation by Tim Burton, he did this before his more well known projects. It's little animation about a boy called Vincent Malloy, who was considerate and nice, but he really want to be, like Vincent Price. The accompanying rhyme is wonderful, it is in the style of The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe, which makes it very good indeed in my book. You can download it or open it by clicking here

http://www.classictrailers.co.uk/vids/drama/vincent.wmv

I seem to have nothing to talk about, which is a rarity. I am sure I will get irked by some stupid event and come back and ramble on for hours, like I do, soon though. At least I hope so. Godammit, someone do something that I can talk about. Please? For now I could do one of those strange things that other people do on blogs, the current mood/music/film etc. Let's conform to blog society for once, shall we.

Current mood: Relaxed

Current song: All Around Me, by Flyleaf

Current TV series: The L Word. Turns out it's pretty good.

Current, er...current - ....um. Current word: Snood.

...now I remember why I never do that, that was really boring.