Sunday, April 30, 2006

Spiking Food

I spiked some more of the things I keep in my fridge today. I am sick of them being stolen. I would like to pat myself on the back for what I did to this batch, though. I will not go into the things that I have had stolen from me, because there are too many things. I am more offended and hurt by the extreme scummy lack of respect for me, when I don't do anything bad to anyone, than I am the cost. I've been made quite upset.

Aswell as other things, I keep getting orange juice stolen from the fridge..it goes above and beyond the call of rudeness. Besides the obvious cost, I have no transportation or anything, so I have to carry it a reasonable distance, and everyone knows that carrying liquids when you shop, they are really really heavy. And my shoulders are busted as it is. So I pay for them, carry them home, only for them to be promptly stolen with no respect..I'm so pissed off I won't go into it. So I did something about it. I've done stuff to food before, but this had pretty strong effects.

So I went out and bought some salt, fairy liquid, and some sacrificial cartons of orange juice. I took a jug and spoon, and went into my room and started mixing things. I poured the orange juice into a carton, kept the carton, and then examined the drink. I was going to put fairy liquid into it. But whatever it was that I did to it, I was going to sample it, to see what it tasted like, and partly to make sure I didn't kill anyone. I chickened out of drinking soap.

So instead, I poured a reasonably large amount of salt into the juice, not knowing how much would be needed. I stirred it, sniffed it, looked at it, and it didn't look or smell remotely different. Then I took a teaspoon, and sipped a really small amount, like you would sip soup.

Oh. My. God. Whoabloody...wow.

I ran - no - lunged into my bathroom, managed to wait 0.7 seconds before I spat it out into the sink, and promptly proceeded to wash my mouth out as quick as I could. You..you have no idea. You really need to try such a thing to understand just what it tastes like. It's like a torture device. It's just like physical pain, it's the most horrible horrible sensation you could have on your tongue. Ever. It makes all your tastebuds and nose just scream in protest. I was lucky to get into my bathroom. I almost threw up. And I only sampled a few drops. And I knew what was coming.

So quite happy, I put the salted orange juice back into the carton, sealed it, and put it in the fridge, where I know it will be stolen, again. I know that the people doing the stealing are the same ones who keep me awake all night and day too, I hope they get a nice shock. I am sad that I won't be able to watch the results.

I have a newfound, really, really, reeeaaaally healthy respect for salt. It is all powerful.

14 Comments:

Blogger Charlie said...

Sounds like a cunning plan. I hope they don't get *too* ill, since that could go bad for you. But I'd still like to see their faces when it happens. Plus if it's really that bad then they should want to repeat the potenital experience.

3:18 pm  
Blogger The Raevyn said...

Ah, I wouldn't feel bad if they got ill. After the way these people have been acting, for a long long time now, they deserve that and more. I only wish that I could inconvenience them more.

4:08 pm  
Blogger Mike Moore said...

You're too funny, Raevyn. The power of salt is on your side!

7:11 pm  
Anonymous Rose said...

Disclaimer: I am in no way condoning or recommending the following course of action.

When I was at uni my boyfs flatmate was HORRENDOUSLY awful, like, I don't have time or space to list the offensiveness. So one night, when very, VERY drunk, my bf and his other flatmate both urinated into other flatmates olive oil. And never told him.

7:12 pm  
Blogger The Raevyn said...

*gasp* Rose!

....

That's a pretty good story. I uh, won't do that. I have the salt!

1:16 am  
Blogger Charlie said...

Oi, Mike! *pokes*

Are you on blogger or just MSN Spaces?

(Can you tell I need to perfect my stalker behaviour? Heehee)

5:51 pm  
Anonymous Benny said...

touche miss raevyn, I know of the shit u go thru over thar. fighting one for the team \o/

9:13 pm  
Anonymous Damir said...

when I was very young I put a spoonful of salt in my mouth. I vomited it out seconds later.

6:54 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I nearly peed my pants reading that. I wouldn't feel sorry for thieves either.

Is the juice missing yet?

4:25 pm  
Anonymous foo said...

That anonymous person was me raevyn, sorry!

4:26 pm  
Blogger The Raevyn said...

No juice missing as of yet, I am thoroughly confused. Especially since it was 100% guaranteed to go missing before. Hmm. Perhaps they did try it and I just missed the effects. I shall be vigilant!

5:31 pm  
Blogger Jay said...

Haha! Teach those theives a lesson! It's a shame when you can't leave something in the fridge without it being stolen! But as least it will teach them not to mess with our Raevyn!

Good on you!

Jay

1:50 pm  
Anonymous Andrew said...

What you need to do now, is get another carton of Orange Juice in a different type of box. Pour the new stuff into a bottle, and put the old stuff in the new box and back into the fridge. You have to make sure the Pavlovian response is deeply conditioned under varying circumstances.

1:54 pm  
Blogger The Raevyn said...

Haha. I didn't think about Pavlovian conditioning, that's very true. In most cases of conditioning it must be carried out repeatedly over a period of time, or the effects will vanish. Fortunately the bastards have buggered off somewhere far away, I care not where so long as it remains far away.

4:04 pm  

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