Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Thoughts at four in the morning

I need to cure my insomnia. Currently, I am sitting at my desk, with my headphones in, listening to trance music with heavy bass. Really loud. So much so in fact, that I cannot hear a thing. At all. And I am bobbing my head quite a lot. I look like a complete fool.

Aren't you sometimes really really glad that no one is around to see you?

Oh but this is fun.

Someone once asked me which film I thought was better, out of Underworld and Van Helsing. It's a good question. Let's look at the good, the bad, and the ugly. Here goes.

Underworld – The Good

Kate Beckinsale.

Atmosphere. The fact that the whole film was pretty much at night, and filmed with that funny setting that made everything appear a dark blue colour, bordering on black and white, was a very good touch.

Erika sticking herself to the ceiling. And Michaels face. Oh, how I laughed...

An undeniably kick arse plot. An original story, which had never really been done before. I mean the genetics and biology and hybrid stuff, not the Romeo and Juliet stuff.

PVC. Enough said.

Masterful werewolves. I could talk about these for years…but I won’t. Let’s just say that those wolfers are walking works of art.

Raze. Taciturn, robot sounding, brawny muscled werewolf warriors. We need more of those. Every film should have one.

Kraven. I thought he was a brilliant character, and the fact that his fangs made it slightly tricky for the actor to talk, but, they made him enunciate each word and lisp slightly, which, I thought suited his eloquent and vain character, very much.

Selene smacking Kraven in the nose.

The transformation sequences. The way in which the beast bulges and cracks and shoves it’s way out of the human…I thought it was awesome.

The soundtrack was great.

The ending. Was that possibly the best set up for a sequel, ever?

Kate Beckinsale.



Underworld - The Bad

The half a dozen or so times Kraven accidentally slipped into an Irish accent for no apparent reason. "Besoides for fooood, whoi would lycans starlk a hyuuman?"

The fact that Lucian and Raze had to die. Whyyyy?

Guns. A few guns are alright. But there were too many guns…

Michael’s much hyped up hybrid did look a teeny bit like a human with blue skin and contacts.

Just a little bit.



Underworld – The Ugly

Kraven’s nails. No one wants to see that.





Van Helsing – The Good


Kate Beckinsale.

Non stop well choreographed (if often unbelievable) action scenes. Lots of action is always a plus! And such diverse action too. Flying vampire women attacking the village, a horse and carriage chase, quality fight scenes, cool crossbows and gadgets, stuff like that.

The way in which, near the beginning, when Dracula is talking, you see his batlike face flash up, for a split second, when the lightning flashes. That made me blink!

The Computer Graphics. Oh my, words actually fail me, they were so so good. Again, I coulrd talk about them for hours, so I shall stop there.

That corset.

The reinvention of classic characters from horror. Who didn’t enjoy seeing Dracula, Frankenstien’s Monster, and The Wolfman, all shiney and new and not black and white? Frankenstien was pretty funny. He was like "Bite my patchwork arse, bitch."

…the beginning. When everyone thought that it was actually black and white, and that there was a problem with the film reel, and then we find out that it was deliberate. I liked that.

The kick arse vampire chicks. Sure, their overacting could be annoying sometimes, but I was on the edge of my seat when they first appeared and started attacking the village. WOW!

The fact that the nerdy sidekick got laid, but the handsome super main character who looked a bit like Wolverine did not. Hehe. Chicks must just love a short guy in a woolen habit.

Kate Beckinsale.



Van Helsing – The Bad

The fact that, Frankenstien is clever and talented enough, to create life from stolen body parts, but too thick to notice that the guy who employed him is dead.

Contrary to what these filmmakers thought, it is a physical impossibility, for lightening to flash every point five seconds.

ANNA: You sure you want to be the bait? I mean, you are the last surviving son of our family and all.
VELKAN: Nah, I'm good.

The terrible plot that seemed, as if it was being improvised by the characters as they went along.

The sheer amount of times, people and monsters swung from things…especially ropes. I need to count it. But oh my god, if I had a pound for every time someone swung through the air by a rope or chain or grappling hook, I would be a very rich person indeed.

Dracula was about as scary as the Andrex Puppy.

The VanWolf, although fantastic, did look like an advert for Head and Shoulders Shampoo. Never have a seen such a pretty, glossy, well groomed, and manicured werewolf in my life. Yes folks, nine out of ten werewolves, prefer Head and Shouders.

The fact that Anna drew her sword about ten times, but never actually got to swing it, let alone use it.

The way in which, the script set up so many good opportunities for great one liners, and then, didn’t take them. Too many to remember…but for example, the part where Anna says “Zome zay, zat you are good, Meester ‘Elsing. Others zay, zat you are evil. Which is it?” or something like that, and then Helsing replies “Hmm. It’s a bit of both.” …..that was a CRAP response!

The ending. Seeing Anna’s face in the clouds…no. Just…no.



Van Helsing - The Ugly

That ponytail. That damned ponytail. Oh, Dracula has a ponytail. Baby Jesus wept.

To this day, no one, I mean, NO ONE, is completely sure of how Anna died, from landing on a sofa. Death by...excess confort?

“ And perhaps, ze return, ov my reeeng!” Followed by Dracula showing his, ah, ‘missing’ finger (which was clearly curled behind his hand. And, the quite disastrous fact, that we all know that his finger was present throughout the entirety of the film beforehand.

5 Comments:

Blogger Charlie said...

I always thought that Dracula was more than a bit shit in Van Helsing. And the end was queasily soppy. Gimme Underworld, with Kate Beckinsale kicking ass. Or arse =P

3:43 pm  
Blogger Nicole said...

I liked the actors who play the three heroes in Van Helsing, but... *shudder* The writers did things to the plot that should never have seen the light of day or film projector.

9:02 pm  
Blogger Nicole said...

Just realized I might not have told you who I actually am yet. Not a random stalker. Really.

~bookwyrm

9:06 pm  
Blogger CrimsonRayne said...

Underworld Raaaauuuuuuks!!!! Kate Beckinsale is hot! But so is the guy who played Lucian!

9:39 pm  
Anonymous foo said...

Underworld was much better. The best thing about both movies.....Kate Beckinsale.

3:24 am  

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