Monday, June 26, 2006

The Pen Monster.

I was asked what my theory was as to the phenomenon that is disappearing pens the other day. You must know this quite well, I am talking about the apparant black hole that anything even resembling a biro gets sucked into. How you can start the week with a box full of twenty biros, and end it with a mere one and a half, with no idea whatsoever as to where the entire bloody box has disappeared to. This is what I came up with.

There is a monster, who loves under the floorboards. This particular monster applies to you even if you're on the third floor, or you don't have floorboards. It matters not. And he is known as the Pen Eating Monster.

See the lesser spotted Pen Eating Monster is small and squat and round and purple, and his mouth takes up a third of his body. He has two short legs, one is gimpy. He looks a bit like a Flanimal, but with no handy humourous description levitating beneath him. Other than that, totally like a Flanimal.

Despite being small and fat, his voracious appetite enables him to move at the speed of light. He specialises in peeking through the holes in the floorboards, and waiting for the following opportunities to arise:

Someone putting a pen down on the bed that they are sitting on - contrary to popular belief, it's not the bed cover that eats the pens, but the Pen Monster.
Someone putting a pen down on a cabinet - It does not, in fact, roll off the side and fall down between the wall and the cabinet, the Pen Monster eats it. So you can stop looking.
Someone putting a pen in their front pocket - He in fact can, and does, roll up the front of your chest and into your pocket and swallow the pen and roll out of there and back under the floorboards before you can even blink. So you can stop patting all your pockets looking for the pen that you know you had, because it's gone. Let it go.

You know how when you see the pens which are all chewed on one end? Those are the pens that the Pen Monster went to eat, but his aforementioned gimpy leg was playing up, (the damp gets to him sometimes) and he only had time to chew the end before the owner came back to claim it. Curses!

No one really knows exactly what he looks like, because living on a diet of plastic and ink has given him chronic indigestion and terrible constipation. So if any poor soul actually catches a proper glimpse of him, he's such a grumpy shit that he swallows them whole. This is the reason why we are still asking, to this day, "Where do pens go?" - because there are no surviving witnesses.

There are other known demons that are relations of the Pen Monster. The Sod's Law Demon, for example. He exists. *thumps desk* dammit, he exists!

And that is where all the missing biros go.


Blogger Charlie said...

Pen Monster!

It was me that asked the question, so you could say this is all my fault.

*dodges thrown objects*

You know you love Raevyn's ramblings and rantings. You do. I do.

8:22 pm  
Blogger The Raevyn said...

It was you, it was yooouuu!

Yes it was indeed. But you know it's true. He's still watching you, from under the floorboards, little purple antisocial flanimal sod that he is. Don't look at him! Or you'll get swallowed.

8:25 pm  
Anonymous Rose White said...

But which is worse- the pen monster or the sock monster? And do odd socks really breed in the washing pile? *ponders*

10:13 pm  
Anonymous Rose White said...

PS. Your ramblings rock.

10:15 pm  
Blogger The Raevyn said...

Thank you! And I don't tend to have a problem with missing socks. I just have a problem with holes in said socks. Bastard holes. Probably chewed by aforementioned sock monster.

10:18 pm  
Blogger CrimsonRayne said...

I know this monster well it has taken nearly all my pens! *sniff* I want them back!!

12:21 am  

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