Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Werewolf cliches

Here are a list of obligatory cliches found in werewolf films, in order of how obligatory they are.

Throughout the entire film we will see nothing but annoying tantalising half second glimpses of the beast, and then will not see it fully until the last fifteen minutes upon which the beast will be revealed and the entire budget blown.

The werewolf will get hit by a car.

The words "Was that some sort of big dog?" or "What was that, some kind of mutated bear?!" will be uttered, even though the monster in question stands on it's hind legs and looks like a frickin' werewolf.

The lead character will wake up in a forest naked with no idea how they got there.

The injuries will have healed before anyone can see them.

The lead character will suddenly acquire incredibly enhanced senses and not realise it until they notice that they are following the scent of blood and walk in on something mundane like someone with nosebleed or something.

The werewolf will be a complete dork with nicely cliched dork glasses and clothes, who gets routinely bullied by the bigger kids at school, and sucks at gym class. Then, after being bitten by the werewolf, he will turn into a cool suave player with no glasses, will go to aforementioned gym class, and kick ass completely. Bonus points if he pulls the lead bully's girlfriend.

The dog will growl at the werewolf, and be the only living thing to recognise the beast for what it is.

That dog will get eaten.

If the lead character is a female, the werewolf will turn out to be the her love interest. Gasp!

There will be dozens of useful straightforward information books about werewolves to hand in the most basic of local libraries. ...take it from this werewolf obsessive, that does-not-happen.

There will be a scene where the werewolf wakes up in their own bed, to see a series of footprints leading from their window to their bed, which begin as werewolf pawprints, then gradually metamorphose to human. Bonus points for this cliche, it's a sheer classic.

Sentences along the lines of 'Don't you just love the moon? It really *looks deep into the camera* brings out the (hinthinthint anvil is being dropped oh god hint it's an anvil hint) beast in me." will be uttered.

There will be a spooky fortune teller who reads the lead character's palm, gets really scared, and refuses to say any more and flees the film. Brilliant.

There will be some stupid scene were the lead character starts eating raw meat and doesn't realise it until they look down. Ooosubtle.

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