Friday, August 18, 2006

Big Brother. Meow

If Nikki wins Big Brother, I might have to kill myself in protest.

If I see Jenny (I'm so average, it hurts)'s face again, I might stab myself in the neck with a ballpoint pen until I lose consciousness and pass out into blissful dreamworld where no one has hoop earrings and brown is not the only colour in existence.

If I see Glyn's slack jaw and perpetually confused expression one more time, I'm going to gleefully zap his face with a cattle prod just because I want to see it move.

If I see Leah's two airbags that she calls breasts one ore time, I'm going to embed a hatchet in each of them, not that she'll feel any pain. I actually have a hatchet, so I'm only half bluffing.

But most of all, if I hear Nikki's whine, if I see her wide eyed, permanent 'I'm about to burst into a temper tantrum the size of Gibraltar' expression one more time, then I'm going to kill you all, and then myself.

If I see Aisleyne's diagonal eyebrows ever again, I'm going to shove her head in a vice, take a really big black marker, and draw her eyebrows on HORIZONTALLY which is the way they're SUPPOSED TO BE. Also, Aisleyne has the stupidest spelt name ever. It looks like it's prounounced "Ayeslyne" which, says I, it should be. But noo, it's prounounced " Ashleene" which sounds like a tellytubby reject or a chimney brush to me, I'm not sure which yet.

I was momentarily annoyed at Pete, because he's so much prettier than I am. But I got over it, and now think he's a fantastic guy. Not even his sporadic and violent exclaimations of "AchooWANKers!" "CHOOOweeeeaaaayyyy!!" or "AchCHHA!" can disguise the fact that, he's a lovely guy. What the frack he's doing with Nikki, I do not know. Nor do I want to know. Oh dear god...get a room, please, for the love of all that is holy, get a room. We don't want to see that.

I have decided that they all resemble cartoon characters.

Nikki - Angelica from the Rugrats
Pete - The Joker
Aisleey - ashlee - ash - ash ash - oh whatthefuckever - Miss Piggy
Glyn - Cletus the slack jawed yokel

They also lost the plot somewhat with the most recent Big Brother. As far as I can tell, you're meant to put a number of people in there, and watch them all filter out one by one. You do not suddenly decide to put more people in there halfway through and make us all cry because we thought it would be over soon but now it's going to last for even more weeks. It's meant to be a reality TV show, not a bloody pay as you go mobile phone.

Death to Big Brother, and so on and so forth.


Anonymous Benny said...

would have been better had they let me in the fooels

10:37 am  
Blogger The Raevyn said...

if they put you in it, I'd watch it every day and vote for you twice aswell and shout at the tv every time they were mean to you, so I would.

8:18 pm  
Anonymous Mel said...

Fortunately, I believe that the series of Big Brother that just finished here about two weeks ago will be the last, after that nail polish remover sniffing incident that resulted in a nice turkey slap for one of the female contestants.

Fucking idiots.

Down with reality tv.

1:28 am  
Anonymous DV said...

...a blunt knife would be best...

...dipped in tobasco sauce...

...and the scents to attract a herd of horny bulls...

5:44 pm  

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