Tuesday, August 08, 2006

If you made friends with me at Uni, start being afraid now

Edit: Updated, added three more people

Firstly, if you ever made friends with me at Uni, start being afraid now.

I have a friend, her name is Sophie. And occasionally, Soapy. She writes humourous descriptions of her friends, summerising them nicely in one paragraph. Here are my attempts to do the same. If you see your name on this list, you should be scared. I am attempting to summerise some of the people I have met at my first year of University.

If your entry is shorter than anyone else's, don't be offended. It's not that I have less to say about you, it in fact means that you're just not quite as much of a freak as certain other people. This is a good thing. (or perhaps I just left stuff out for your own good. Bwa ha hah and so on and so forth)

And in no particular order:

Colin - Colin has extraordinarily large eyebrows, which he uses to accentuate his perpetually sardonic yet politely attentive facial expression. Colin is also highly well spoken, and it would not be out of character for him to say things like "Tally ho!" "Pip pip!" "Wotcher!" and "It's for impressing the wimmenfolk, dontcha know." Sadly, it is infectious, and we have spent many an hou - well, minute, verbally outposhing each other. Colin thinks that he is a better nethead than me, but he is wrong. Colin also has a pet lesbian, but it's not me. Colin likes catsuits. Colin wants me to wear a catsuit, very very much. I don't think that me wearing a catsuit is a good idea. Colin likes to make at least six references as to just how how he would like to see me in a catsuit every day, and considers anything less a serious and deep personal failure. This leads me to believe that Colin in fact thinks that me wearing catsuit is a good idea. Colin is almost always surrounded by women, I want to know how he does that. Colin also thinks that footless tights are good and sexy, whereas I just think they look like proper tights that got chewed by a puppy.

Aaron - Aaron is very nice. Aaron wooed me by copying me dvds, and then teaching me Psychology 102 because I knew none of it. Aaron has two guns. These guns can be located somewhere between his elbow and shoulder. He likes to kiss them. One of them is called Pinky. Pinky was named by me. I can't remember what the other one is called, but I hope it can forgive me. Aaron is going to dress up as a werewolf on halloween, just for me. Aaron is an honourary lesbian, but he's still not as good a lesbian as me. If you tell him that you like the American remakes of Japanese films better, he will probably go a funny colour and start shouting. Aaron is also often surrounded by women, but he is often surrounded by men, too, so it balances out in a big profound gender karmical...thingie. Aaron is my friend. Aaron is also a stud. The two are unconnected.

Fiona - Fiona has Fluffy hair. It's so Fluffy in fact, that it merits it's own capital letter. She is also eccentric. But her hair is disarming, so it's okay.

Luke - Luke is as short as I am. He is more distressed about this fact than me. Luke is Joey from Friends younger brother, and I have never heard the adjective 'hot girl' used as an acceptable subsitute for a name so many times in my life. Luke likes cookies. I have seen Luke almost completely naked. Luke has seen me in my pjamas, but has never seen me almost naked. Luke has picked me up and almost broken my arm before, but I've hit him in the ankles with a stick and thrown his clothes at his head, so it's okay. I am going to kill Luke, but he doesn't know this yet. Luke likes tomato ketchup and cheese. We all call Luke 'Kiwi-Penis', but i'm not entirely sure why.

Debbie - Debbie will probably never read this. We are all very scared of Debbie. But Debbie is very scared of daddy long legs, and needs me to rescue her from them. Debbie is every inch an English student. Debbie likes to say meeep a lot. I like it when she says meeep, it makes me smile.

The Greeks - DIE

James - James likes cars. James likes cars, and he likes cars. James gave me an electric beaver. This is not actually as filthy as it sounds. James doesn't listen to any music that's not a soundtrack, although he thinks that this is not true. James and me watched the dvd of Gladiator once, but it was in French. It took us half an hour to notice this. James has a car that breathes like a monster and frightens children. James falls asleep when he drinks Red Bull. James is very strong and has lots of veins popping in his arms, and he lets me poke them.

Ben - Ben does not let me poke the veins in his arms. Ben is squeamish as a very squeamish girl. Ben is very well spoken, which is why it's so funny when he does ghetto speak. Ben is very lovely, and is also about ten feet tall. Ben likes Kinder Eggs.

Rachel - Rachel usually makes all the surrounding males turn their head when she walks past. I can understand why. She also coined the term 'cofftea' which is a very important term in my life now. Rachel talks French at us a lot, and although we have no idea what she's saying, we all agree that she sounds very sexy. Rachel would look better than me in a catsuit, but I don't know if Colin knows that. Rachel is very cool. Rachel has the same shoes as me. I'd like to think that the two are connected.

Jen - Jen has the coolest hair at Uni. It is spikey and black, and it sometimes has blonde stripes in it. Sometimes it doesn't.

Beccy - Beccy is charming. Beccy is also not from Birmingham.

Lou - Lou hiccups when she drinks cider, and doesn't stop hiccuping until further notice. Lou also has a funny accent, but I don't think this counts, because I reckon she thinks that my accent is funny too.

Benny - Benny has a pink and black glove. Benny also looks very sexy as a pirate, and could give Jack Sparrow a run for his rum. Benny understands computers, and regularly puts complicated techy terms into a language that I can understand. Benny is very funny, and makes me laugh. Benny gave me signed a chip fork. Benny also tried to steal a traffic cone, but it didn't work out. Benny knows what retrojaffa is, but I'm not sure if anyone else does.

Caddy - Caddy looks American, but I'm not completely sure why. Caddy likes beer. Caddy is not Caddy's real name. Caddy is also very funny and makes me laugh. The very first sentence Caddy said to me involved monkeys and juggling, not necessarily in that order. Caddy was wrong, there was not one lesbian the seminar room, there were two. It's a good job he didn't know this, otherwise he would have been even more nervous than he already was and that would not have been good now would it.

Chris - Chris is cool, in a tall dark and menacing way. Chris actually knows who Nightwish are. I once accidentally insulted Chris by saying that I liked his long greasy hair look, upon which he informed me that he had just washed it. For this I am eternally apologetic. Chris is usually very calm and sedate, until The Prodigy comes on, then he goes apeshit and starts moving his arms. Chris also has big guns (though not as big as Aaron's guns), and he also likes to kiss them. (Aaron did not tell me to say that Chris's guns are not as big as his. No he didn't.)

Fran - Fran is very lovely but cannot catch.

I think I forgot someone. Or someone. I forgot something. Hmm.


Anonymous The Famous Colin said...

Fame at last! Please note, gentle readers, that, according to the disclaimer at the top, I am the biggest freak of all!

I feel special.

10:18 pm  
Blogger The Raevyn said...

You'd best not go thinking that you're king of the castle now, mister. Don't make me come over there.

10:23 pm  
Anonymous The Famous Colin said...

If your act of coming over here involves you in footless tights, catsuit or, for that matter, a suit made of 20 pound notes, then feel free.

I am king of the castle. Ph3Ar |\/|3, etc. etc.

10:25 pm  
Blogger The Raevyn said...

stfu, i pwn y()(), noobin. 1 |<()(|< y()() ()|=|= y()|_|I2 (/-\57|_3.

Raevyn is teh victor lol


There will be no catsuit! I'm terribly tempted to say that I'll do it if you will, which usually ends the argument where these things are concerned. But I'm terrified that that you actually will. And then I'll be in trouble.

10:37 pm  
Anonymous Soaoy said...

W00tage. friends entries rule. *grins and giggles*

11:29 pm  
Anonymous DV said...

...just two questons...

1. Is Colin gay?
2. Is he available?...

...not gay myself but am very direly lonly......and not having much luck with a certain feathered diva...
...so vil make thee jealouse via going out vith her friend muahahahah...

...and to end all aguments i'll be happy to wear a catsuit - vith my recent weightloss my ass is looking more spanktasic if i do so myself...

...btw im guessing these "guns" are not what my poluted mind presumjes them to be?...

...like i said - verey very lonly...

5:40 pm  
Blogger The Raevyn said...

Guns are biceps, from what I understand. Apparantly it's a reference from some...film...or other, I wasn't paying attention.

1:34 pm  

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