Thursday, November 16, 2006

Robots have officially begun their world domination.

This article is probably not serious.

You heard it here first, the robots have officially begun to take over ze - uh, the world. These humble links here below happen to be the articles informing us about the cute little instigators of our inevitable apocalypse.

Robot Holocaust Step One: Worlds first self sufficient robot.

Now, that first link alone is a little scary. I mean, it's a robot that can feed itself. It doesn't need our help to survive anymore, it can carry on functioning all by it's oneseys. I only want to say - What were they thinking?? This is the exact first step that we humans are not meant to take. The only reason the computers have not killed us all is because they need us to go on functioning, they need us to give them batteries, to change their power sources, to feed them, as it were.

As we all know that...some guy said,

'Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.'

And so,

'You give a computer a fly and you feed him for a day. Teach the computer how to catch flies and you feed him for a lifetime thus enabling him to accumulate the necessary energy come after you and kill you in your sleep.'

This is madness. I am convinced that Mac computers alone have the power to beat the shit out of us, and the only reason they haven't yet is because they are waiting for the right moment. But this? This is independent robots!! Am I the only one seeing the problem here?! First flies, next, human flesh. I can just imagine it, I know you can too. Huge, android esque robots, standing on top of human bodies, chewing an arm or two, musing about how their humble origins once included ingesting flies in order to live. "Ah hah hah hah!" they will say. "Hah, do you remember when we used to eat flies to function? Boy, I'm sure glad we evolved from that, human bodies are much tastier and more plentiful!" While the Arnie-esque robots stomp around in the background, unassisted by blue screen, for the first time.

Computers evolve, it's what they do. Kill it, kill it now! Just look at the twinkle of bloodlust in it's eyes, I can see it, I know you can too.

Robot Holocaust Step Two: Robot thirsts for human blood.

So then, I went onto the second article, in which a robot has just happliy proclaimed that we taste like bacon. That did not help my above suspicions one bit. It would have been nice if the article had a headline like

'Fly eating potential killer robot smashed to pieces by unknown stripey individual.'

or perhaps

'Fly eating potential killer robot decides that it's mere existence is an abhorration, shuts down in order to protect the world. Scientists mourn.'

But no, the headline was

'I'm going to kill you and eat you. I'm going to kill you and eat you, now. I'm not like my grandpa, flies just don't cut it for me. BWA HAH HAH HAHHH!!'

It didn't actually say that, but I read between the lines. Dude, the robot wants to eat you.

Next, look at how cute it is. It looks a little bit like a character from Mario. Because we all loved the Nintendo. It tries to lull us into a false sense of security by imitating two dimensional stunted Italians with speech impediments from the nineties, but we can see right though it. And, and, it says that it speaks in a childlike voice. Anyone who has seen The Exorcist/Poltergeist/The Haunting/Teletubbies will know, that once you add anything to do with children into the equasion, the creepiness factor is increased exponentially.

It's cute which makes it evil by default. And then, they add a child's voice, which adds at least 20% to it's creepy untrustworthiness factor.

In conclusion: Independent self sufficient robots + cute stunted Italian child robots with a taste for human flesh = you won't hear from me for a while, I'm busy stocking my armoury.

I say we strike while they're still only a foot tall.

*wanders off to be paranoid*

P.S We have all heard that humans taste like pigs. Cannibals tell us that human flesh most resembles that of a pig's, and soldiers also tell us that burning human flesh smells like pork.

I'm just saying, we might be okay, until the little Mario robot tells his big brother where the bacon is.

Robot Holocaust Step Three: Robot cuts pork better than any human.

...does anyone know where I can get me a tank? I really want one. Do robots breed? Do they have robot intercourse? Because if they do, someone should really put a wall between these two right now. What is the robot equivalent of Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day? We need to know this now, before it's too late.

Disclaimer: The Raevyn has not watched The Terminator too many times, and it has not done irreparable damage to her psyche. Thank you.


Anonymous DV said...

...has anyone got Tank GIrl's number?!!!... for Robosexuality , remeber awhile ago on Graham Norton's show of a device for the computer that a man/woman may use to.........well keep themself warm on those cold and very lonly nights...

...tissue, barf bag, cranial surgery...

11:13 pm  
Anonymous Soapy said...

And don't forget printers. they were the first to start trying to bite chunks out of us.

11:31 pm  
Blogger Charlie said...

Naw, it's not robots that should be feared but bicycles. Silent death on wheels. They're trying to KILL ME.


All because I walked on the cycle path ONCE.


6:40 pm  
Blogger Katya said...

RaeRae! I miss you! Where are you? Come and stalk me -

The book I'm reading right now has Edgar Allen Poe as a secondary character (as a young man). It's really quite interesting (Book of Spirits by James Reese, first one in the series is Book of Shadows).

4:18 pm  
Blogger Myriad said...

Actually they do pro-create. Damn the French... Those robots are definitely going to breed and then kill us.

1:52 pm  
Blogger The Raevyn said...

We're all going to die!

10:25 am  

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