Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The Lion King and Tall Men

In recent developments, I have given myself Repetitive Strain Injury by drawing this bastard with a touchpad and MSPaint -

"Long live the King!" <--- Link

No really, my left arm swelled up. It hurt like fuck, if you'll excuse my french.

And I have also learned that despite the fact that Colin is about six foot tall, he can still fold himself into a space as large as a two pence piece. I, for one, am confused.

I have updated my MSPaint doodles gallery on the left, and now I am now going to go and try and get the feeling back in my arms.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Quotes of the Week, part 4

Me - "I wish I could drink beer, or lager. There's something so manly about sitting there with a pint."

Debbie - "Yeah, because you're so manly."

Me - "I'm butcher than you."

Debbie - "Are not."

Me - "I so am!"

Debbie - "At least I can drink pints."

Me - "You squeal when the wind blows!"

Debbie - "I shout at the football!"

Me - "I'm wearing men's shirts, Debbie. You're wearing a girly blouse."

Debbie - "It's fashionable for women to do that at the moment, I read it in Elle!"

Me - "...I'll arm wrestle you for it."


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James - "No-where does it say that Jesus never bit ears."

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Sophie - "Torturous wench!"

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Josh - "Well I'm glad you're alive anyway. You may be short, but I'd miss you if you weren't around. Of course you're so short sometimes I miss you when you are around. Huh-HOOO! Ohhh...zing! God I'm entertaining..."

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Luke: "Hitler was a bit of a prick."

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Sophie: "Fuck the z."

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Josh - "It's true; you can't tempt the Universe like that. I'm surrounded by ten angry drunken trombone players right now. My fault for leaving the window open, really."

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Sophie - "Shabbat is just a wank waiting to happen."

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Me - "How scary would an invisible bear be? Imagine getting smacked ten feet into the air by something you couldn't see!"

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James - "She's so skinny, I call her fat all the time."

Me - "You have such a way with girls."

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Josh - (about Watership Down) "I really think you ought to go into animation. You have the right ideas; there aren't any new animated films that are absolutely soul destroying. Well, unless you count anime...which I kind of don't. You should lead the new wave of films that completely destroy young children, and turn them into people like...like...well like us, frankly."

Me - "Hat wearing long haired layabout tea drinking artists? Hee, look, I just summed both of us up nicely."

Josh - "Haha, that's great, I should put that on a business card. And it's true; at the most basic descriptive level, the only difference between you and me is gender and the amount of stripes...and how short you are."

Me - "Yes, yes, we can't leave my height out of it, that's true."

Josh - "The only time we can leave your height out of anything is when we simply overlook it because it's too diminutive to notice."

Me - "Two height jokes! That's your half hourly quota achieved."

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Me - "Can I call you Shaggy?"

James - (gives stupid grin)

Me - "Because you look like him!"

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Me - "I feel that my drawing of Fiona is not going as well as yours or Siobhan's did, I'm a bit worried. Drawing a bad picture is fine when no one else sees it, but it's embarassing for someone else to find out that artists do bugger up sometimes. We keep these things secret and pretend to the world that we are perfect, superior, flawless beings!"

Ben - "Kill her."

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Me - "It's okay, I'll see you another time."

Aaron - "But it'll be damn hard on me. Another lunchtime with no Raevyn to put me in my place."

Me - "Aw, you say the nicest things! I'll be around to put you in your place throughout the holidays."

Aaron - "Cool. I'm gonna be working like the bastard son of a wayward milkman, so verbal abuse will provide a nice break."

Me - "Wonderful, I will do my best to be mean and abuse you as often as possible, because I'm nice that way."

Aaron - "You really are. Lovely and nice in the most beautifully nasty way."

Me - "You're a proper charmer, you are. No one else calls me evil."

Aaron - "Ah, but they're just fools, mignons of a lesser abyss. Whereas I am the Prince Charming of Darkness, and of course you are the leviathan of a cruel sea of love. If the others can't see the evil in you, they don't merit its wonders."

Me - "You're a very handsome Pan Troglydyte yourself."

Aaron - "Aww, hearing you say that just makes me want to beat my hairy chest and club the nearest bystander with pride."

Me - "I bet you say that to all the girls."

Aaron - "You're special. I usually only say it when I've clubbed them over the head and dragged them by their hair into my handsome cave."

Me - "But you're worried that I'd club you back?"

Aaron - "And then some..."

Me - "It's true, I do have a stick specially for beating people. Just ask Luke."

Aaron - "I saw the bruises."

Sunday, March 18, 2007

The Eurovision Song Contest 2007

In case you didn't know, last night the UK's entry for the Eurovision song contest of 2007 was officially announced. I say 'announced' and not 'voted upon' because I am still happily in denial that it was in fact a democratic group decision on behalf of the country that I live in. I - I just refuse to believe it.

We had a choice between a fairly mediocre, sentimental, yet quite acceptable ballad sung by an inoffensive, ordinary looking brunette. God help me, I could have been happy to have something like that representing us, at least it was respectable. Here it is -



But, naturally, she lost. She was defeated in a fair vote by four adults dressed in baby blue PVC, standing with their arms outstretched like aeroplanes, singing "Ba, ba da, ba, bada. Ba ba ba ba, ba da." to a synthetic drumbeat.

...I cannot encompass how much I wish I was joking.

The following people you are about to witness, are representing our nation. You'll also be pleased to know, that they go by the name of 'Scooch' (I know I was). I am obliged to warn you - it's not suitable for anyone above the age of thirty six months.



Once the initial shock has dissipated and the despair has worn off, I have a few questions. Why do both the women look so easy? Why do both the men look like rampant homosexuals? What does that man mean when he asks whether sir would like some salted nuts, and follow that by producing something tube shaped (that I cannot for the life of me identify), and ask whether sir would like something to suck on? I've been on a plane before, and I swear don't remember any of that. And finally, would we dislike them any less if they were not called 'Scooch'? I hardly think so. Steps are calling, they want their image back.

I'm not really that fussed, as I stopped giving a flying rat's arse about kareoke competitions since they put a new one on TV every single week, international or no.

I'm torn, I'd like your opinions please. Do we prefer Scooch, or Daz Sampson representing our nation? In case you're lucky and forgot who he was, here is a reminder. He was a middle aged white rapper who happened to be named after a washing powder, backed up by a cohort of underage cockney schoolgirls. I can't really see how one could forget a thing like that, except as a defence mechanism. Lyrical highlights included "If you treat the kids fine, they won't do the time" and "Do you listen to your teacher? No, I don't think so!" and my personal favourite, "Saywot, saywot!"



If I remember correctly, we did get a few more votes than we did the year prior to that. Not surprising, considering the year before that, we got nil points for the first time in history, so it's a little bit difficult to do any worse. I am still convinced that Daz's small success was based entirely on the UK's paedophile vote. If we are to even come close to winning this year, it will be entirely thanks to the collective under-eight vote. Let's just hope that the bill-payers give their permission.

Why can't we be as cool as Finland?


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