The Eurovision Song Contest 2007
We had a choice between a fairly mediocre, sentimental, yet quite acceptable ballad sung by an inoffensive, ordinary looking brunette. God help me, I could have been happy to have something like that representing us, at least it was respectable. Here it is -
But, naturally, she lost. She was defeated in a fair vote by four adults dressed in baby blue PVC, standing with their arms outstretched like aeroplanes, singing "Ba, ba da, ba, bada. Ba ba ba ba, ba da." to a synthetic drumbeat.
...I cannot encompass how much I wish I was joking.
The following people you are about to witness, are representing our nation. You'll also be pleased to know, that they go by the name of 'Scooch' (I know I was). I am obliged to warn you - it's not suitable for anyone above the age of thirty six months.
Once the initial shock has dissipated and the despair has worn off, I have a few questions. Why do both the women look so easy? Why do both the men look like rampant homosexuals? What does that man mean when he asks whether sir would like some salted nuts, and follow that by producing something tube shaped (that I cannot for the life of me identify), and ask whether sir would like something to suck on? I've been on a plane before, and I swear don't remember any of that. And finally, would we dislike them any less if they were not called 'Scooch'? I hardly think so. Steps are calling, they want their image back.
I'm not really that fussed, as I stopped giving a flying rat's arse about kareoke competitions since they put a new one on TV every single week, international or no.
I'm torn, I'd like your opinions please. Do we prefer Scooch, or Daz Sampson representing our nation? In case you're lucky and forgot who he was, here is a reminder. He was a middle aged white rapper who happened to be named after a washing powder, backed up by a cohort of underage cockney schoolgirls. I can't really see how one could forget a thing like that, except as a defence mechanism. Lyrical highlights included "If you treat the kids fine, they won't do the time" and "Do you listen to your teacher? No, I don't think so!" and my personal favourite, "Saywot, saywot!"
If I remember correctly, we did get a few more votes than we did the year prior to that. Not surprising, considering the year before that, we got nil points for the first time in history, so it's a little bit difficult to do any worse. I am still convinced that Daz's small success was based entirely on the UK's paedophile vote. If we are to even come close to winning this year, it will be entirely thanks to the collective under-eight vote. Let's just hope that the bill-payers give their permission.
Why can't we be as cool as Finland?