Tuesday, February 17, 2009

It Felt So Wrong, It Felt So Right..

I killed Jennifer Schechter. And I liked it. I hope the police don't mind it.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Brad Pitt is a Key

Weird things that I might have said in the past week –

"I know what my inside face looks like!"

"Whoaaa. Why does the goat sound like Whoopi Goldberg?"

"I have 28 inches of hair. You put a hat on."

(while talking to a crow) "Show me your profile you bastard!"

"I’m stuck in..wait, where am I? Am I in Swindon? I sort of dozed off. Where the hell am I?"

Things that other people have said to me in the past week that I would like to hear again as often as possible, pleez –

"I would be happy to make you expensive coffee every day, it would be my pleasure."

"God dammit, I just have too many books. Would you like some?"

"Oh dear, your coach has broken down. Don’t worry, we’ll pay for you to have a private taxi to take you to where you need to go."

"Here’s a late Xmas present for you!"

"Could you write me a list of books you want so I can buy you one?"

"Would you like some free beer? No? Maybe some wine?" (this was in a hairdressers!)

Also, Brad Pitt looks like a key. Every time I say this, people sort of blink at me. Sometimes they carry on blinking. Sometimes they say "...what?" No one really understands the similarity until I explain it to them, upon which they see the truth and then they never look back.

Reasons why Brad Pitt is a key -

1) He’s beige. In colouring, as well as interest level.
2 His head, when scrutinised, has exactly the same property as a key that is pointing upwards. From the top of his head down to his ears he’s a rectangle, and then his jaw sort of extends outwards in a big circle. Just like the shape of a key.
3) His face is all dimpled and covered in scores of lines. Like a key. Few things in life are certain, but I know, I know, that if I shoved Brad Pitt’s face into the keyhole of my front door, it would open.


That is all.