Wednesday, October 21, 2009

You know what makes me feel better no matter what's happened? Cats falling off things

I've had a busy day now I'm too tired to move. I am bored. No movement + boredom gives birth to a new installment in Nevermore...The List!

What else is the ninnernet for other than cats. Here I present to you the top seven cat videos. Ever. Thou shalt not argue.

Kitteh 7 - More like kittehs.

Kitteh 6 - HELP IT'S AN IMPENETRABLE FORCE FIELD

Kitteh 5 - Short and sweet.

Kitteh 4 - BAM.

Kitteh 3 - MRRRRRROOOWWWoooooowwwwOOOOOWWWWoooowwwwOOOWWWooowwwOOOWWWooowww. Shame it's a fake.

Kitteh 2 - Don't try to eat the breakdancer. Just don't.

Kitteh 1 - How to Break up a Kitten Fight Some people think this is gross. I prefer to think of it as FUCKING HILARIOUS

I have spoken.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I have ghost footage

I decided to share something that happened to me today.

Wandering about in a city, I found a medieval pub named The Well House, opposite a cathedral. It's named as such because it has a haunted cellar with a large well in it. It's infamous, because hundreds of years ago a nun and a monk from said cathedral fell in love, and, knowing they were unable to do anything about it, both jumped down the well and were shattered to pieces. Not only this, but in the 1960s two boys dared each other to spend the night down there alone. One did, and in the morning he was found curled up shivering in the corner with pale shrunken clammy skin. They rushed him to hospital but he died upon arrival.

So being a bit dumb I naturally ran down the steps like I'd seen sweeties.

Round the corner, there's a big ol' noticeable SKELETON just lying in the wall, protected by glass. It's shattered into pieces and just about recognisable as a person. The face is smashed and dissolving into the dust and stones, and the ribs are arranged into as best a ribcage you can make with broken bones.

For as long as anyone can remember, it was said that the bones on display in the Well House basement cellar were those of a young woman who died from the Black Death plague in the 14th century. Analysis by archaeological pathologists at King Alfred's College, Winchester, however, has revealed that the skeletal remains, in fact, belong to two people. Could this discovery throw light on one of the city's most tragic love stories? For generations, the story of how a certain John the monk and Martha the nun had thrown themselves down the well in Cathedral Yard to enjoy a union in death was part of the city's rich historical tapestry. This grim discovery seems possibly to give some historical credence to the legend...


So being a morbid bone collector, I ambled over to the skellington (by amble I meant I went ooooooohhh and ran over to it) and stared filming him/her. It was really dark and my camera isn't excellent, so you could barely make it out. Anyway, it filmed okay. Then later, while sitting in the bus station, I play it back and suddenly for a split second the camera goes nuts and it all flashes bright white, like a film negative. The bones are black and the stones are white. My phone's not broken and it's never blipped like that while recording before. Also I've no function on it to change a picture to invert the colours. I jumped and played it back. It repeats. I sit there going 'Oh crapohcrapohcrap I'm gonna get haunted by a skeleton' for a while.

Did I p**s them off?

Then things got even more strange..



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'Cos I remembered that my friend was stood behind me taking a photo of the skeleton with a camera with a flash. It made my screen go BLIP and then return to normal.

PHEW

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

The Raevyn Reviews Enchanted.

Enchanted - The most offensive Disney film since..that black centaur in Fantasia?

Father and daughter in car. Father hands daughter a birthday present. Is book.

Child: “What the crap is this?”

Father: “It’s a book. A book about great women of the past. Female military leaders, great female thinkers, writers, philosophers, inventors, activists, martyrs, etc.”

Child: “Don’t be stupid. Women don’t exist outside of a castle and they don’t do anything outside of waiting for their prince to come along and rescue them from their horrible and intolerable middle class life.”

Father: “I know that’s both an easy and logical misconception to make, but I swear it’s not true. Women do all kinds of things. They work, they change the world, and sometimes they even have original thoughts.”

Child: *sneer.*

Father: “Really! There used to be these women, these incredible women who risked their lives just for the right to suggest that women should be equal citizens.”

Child: *sneer sneer sneer*

Father: "And then one of them made history by throwing themselves under a horse just to raise awareness for the plight of women.”

Child: *sneerity sneer sneer...sneer*

Father: “And ever since then, women have had the right to vote.”

Child: “Vo – ote? Are you crazy? Now give me a tiara.”

*thud*

Father: “Fuck the suffragettes! There’s a DISNEY PRINCESS!!!”

Songs include -

‘Happy working song’ (Vermin are a good thing).

‘How does she know you love her?’ (merchandise equals love).

‘I’ve been dreaming of a true love’s kiss’ (not everyone who works in musicals is gay).

Sunday, October 04, 2009

I just lost a book that I spent five years writing and illustrating by hand. Fuck my life