Monday, June 28, 2010

Why did the spider buy a car? So he could take it out for a spin!


Half the people reading this will have just experienced a cold shiver. Some of which will have then gone on to close the window. But I implore you, please don’t close the window. I promise to give fair warning should I decide to involve anything that might scar you for life.

Now. Why are you all so scared of spiders? I criticise you not, we all have our phobias. Heck, I will happily take on an eight-foot tall spider, but if you show me a wasp I will flail about in an embarrassingly effeminate manner. I will probably shriek and run away too. It’s terribly bad for my image.

It’s also horribly confusing. I have known people who jump out of aeroplanes, but cannot capture a tiny spider. I have known people who do extreme sports, but will leap onto the counter should a spider scuttle across the floor. I’ve even known people who can deal with anything life throws at them..except that scene in Harry Potter II when Aragog appears.

Gentle reader, I am here to try to soothe your fears. I am here to tell you, that when you think about it, we really have very little to fear from the eight-legged ones. I am inspired by/am blatantly ripping off an entry I saw in a fellow blogger’, the witty Skellyton.

Arachnaphobes, this is why spiders are not so bad. Here is a list of things that spiders cannot do to you.

1) Read your mind.

2) Walk through walls.

3) Hold a knife.

4) Hack into your email account.

5) Hold a gun.

6) Impersonate your mother down the telephone, thus deceiving you into walking into a trap specially designed to capture and kill you.

7) Mow you down with a combine harvester.

8) Force you to watch The X Factor.

9) Drop a motherfucking piano on your head.

10) Remove themselves from the bathtub.

..that last point is the most important point I wish to make. Now, spiders are actually pretty cool when you think about it (‘booo, hiss’). They poo out a material that is stronger than steel, using it not only to capture prey but to FRICKIN’ ABSEIL too. They are capable of killing anything from flies to people, walking across the ceiling, terrifying billions of women worldwide, but are physically unable to remove themselves from bathtubs.


I shit stronger than steel! I reduce your women to tears at the mere sight of me! I can KILL PEOPLE! I can grant people superpowers if I've just scarfed something radioactive! My cousins EAT hobbits and wizards! I can defy gravity! I ca - wait. Is that a bathtub? Nnooooo! Not the bathtub! Anything but the tub!!

Now I leave you with the potentially scarring conclusion. I used to live in a veryvery old house that was full of holes. And spiders. And mice and the occasional newt and toad, but that is another story. One day, I ambled across the hallway and saw a beastie on the floor. So naturally, I bent down til I was nose level and took a photo of it.

Do I even have to give a warning? ---- > Link

Aww. He’s smiling!

Edit: I have just been informed by one of my friends that when she opened that link, her roomate came and looked over her shoulder. He is now in his bedroom crying. But he was being a nightmare housemate, so it's okay. My friend wonders whether or not chasing him down the corridor with the laptop screaming "Spidey's gonna get yooouuuu." was a good idea or not.

The Raevyn makes full grown men cry. What a bitch.


Blogger Skellyton said...

grazi, grazi, by the way.

And I do love the point about the bathtubs! It is indeed so true.

Also, what kind of spider is that? We don't seem to have them here?

7:42 am  
Blogger The Raevyn said...

I have absolutely no idea! They are alive and well in the midlands, that much I can vouch for. They are relatively large and move very fast, and so can be a nightmare to catch.

If anyone can identify my little beastie, I'd love to know what he is..

4:46 pm  
Anonymous Skylar Evans said...

I read you reasons and i thought 'Yea they're alright when you think about it..' Looked up at my ceiling and saw a spider was makin his merry way acrost my roof -.- and freaked the fuck out, so yea no, i am still freaked out by the little buggers. And im a cop for goodness sakes.. *Sighs* THAT is so sad!!!

5:38 am  
Blogger The Raevyn said...

Oh what timing!

Don't feel bad. Spiders can and do continue to strike fear into the hearts of the bravest of men. Creepy little buggers.

7:54 am  

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