Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas!

In the spirit of Xmas, here are a few things that piss me off. In no particular order.

9) The fact that it is not only sightly illegal, but also morally frowned upon to punch carol singers in the throat.

Seriously, I thought they didn't exist outside of cartoons. Gentle readers, I was wrong. I can hear them. I try to run, I try to hide, but they keep finding me. Like Alien if he were shorter and knew the lyrics to - OH JESUS GOD NO




*clickclick BOOM*

8) Love Actually. It was awesome to watch the first time, and the second time, and maybe even the third time, but now, actually, on the 23rd viewing, I'd rather like it if it buggered orf.



Also, children, this -


- will get you a bullet through your still-developing brain. Don't do it.


No matter how adorable your goddamned big brown eyes are.

7) The manner in which my new shoe spikes enable me to zoom across thick sheet ice as if it were a scenic summer field, but the moment I step inside onto a laminate floor I execute a flawless faceplant (true story).

6) The way that every single year, when it snows and ices over, we're all fooking surprised. We as Brits all seem to be horribly flabbergasted and dismayed by it all and we can't cope and the entire country collectively closes down.


"Um, Steve? Hey Steve? What's all this white stuff?"

We knew Xmas was coming, we knew the ice was coming, now quit being bewildered by the fact that you might get iced into your house once or twice and acting like it's uncivilised or undignified. Or summat. IT IS WINTER, yo




*weeps tears of blood*

4) People who blog about things that annoy them at Xmas. Those are the most annoying people of all.

3) Xmas related religious/moral/origination-based debates. Being exposed to sentences such as "Christ is the first syllable of Christmas for a reason." "No it's Pagan/Roman/aliens/wizards did it." "Christmas should be about family, not presents." "If you're not in church on Christmas day, you shouldn't be celebrating Christmas."

We know where X - fine, Christmas came from. And we know that it's been purloined and adapted and edited and even completely bloody rewritten and modernised and bastardised into this batshit barmy ritualistic annual session that excites everyone below the age of 14 and makes everyone else clutch at their hair follicles in exasperation and that it doesn't have an inkling of anything to do with it's origins anymore and and GAH (see link). we really have to argue about it every single year? Like, the controversy is something new?


Christmas armadillo, however, is something I could get behind

The point is, the Xmas that most people engage in today is like the holiday equivalent of that irregular-looking very elderly inbred cousin of multiple ethnicities and faiths who sits in the corner smelling faintly of eggnog and mothballs and smiling oddly at you.

I call him Bob.

I just want to keep my head down and get through it as quick and painlessly as possible. And if you try to engage me in a discussion about the true meaning of Christmas, I will remove, cook, and eat your face.


Merry Christmas, one and all!

2) Getting sellotape in my hair.



Thanks Lu! Grinch out.


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