Saturday, August 27, 2011

I LOVE Saturdays!

There's something about them that's just magical. It's like that feeling you get when you walk through the glitter enamelled gates at Disneyland, transporting to a different country in the blink of an eye and the spring of a step. The kind of carefree feeling similar to dancing in one's own front garden completely naked, knowing that legally, little can be done to stop you. It's not unlike pulling off the perfect handbrake turn in a shopping centre, just like Grand Theft Auto taught you to.


Today I woke up not to the blare of an alarm, but the sizzle of bacon and eggs on the fire. The chirping of birds above my window, as the comfortable fall breeze flowed in and brushed my legs. I leapt out of bed with a smile and went out to get the post in my bare feet.

Boy, feeling the grass between my toes was sure refreshing. Feeling the hot tarmac was even better! I was only steps away from the postbox when I came across the biggest spider I'd ever seen, ever! It was sure a surprise. Now, usually I don't like spiders, but on this particular sunny day, I started to think. What did spiders ever do to me? Have I ever been bitten? No. And even if I had been bitten, is that representative of spiders as a whole? I don't think so! So I picked it up and cupped it gently in my hands, its many eyes staring up at me with an expression of cautious love. I think it even licked its lips.

I reached the pavement and noticed my senior citizen neighbour, Mrs. Annmarie Callahan, walking by with her dog. I stared right at her and grinned, extending this beautiful spider out towards her. Surely she'd want to marvel in the beauty of little things, like spiders grown up to the size of a human fist. I just hoped she wouldn't try to take my new pet from me.

But then things got weird. Mrs Callahan screamed and threw her arms in the air when she saw my adorable arachnid, and her dog tore off into the street in a panicked response. Just then an Argos truck came barrelling around the curb and smashed the poor puppy into soup! There was a faint *pop* and several coiled organs spilled onto the street, blood spraying in every direction, at least ten feet in the air, like some kind of Cherryade geyser. It was really warm; I got it all over me. It's sooo hard to get it out of your hair, but I bet you already knew that. Mrs Callahan, though, had like some major freak-out attack. What I remember for sure is that she starting screaming like crazy, then she got kind of breathless, clutched her left arm, and collapsed in a heap on the ground. I heard a really loud *CRACK* and she howled like the seductive octogenarian she was.

Needless to say, I'm not one to let a senior citizen neighbour suffer, no sir. I knelt down next to her and let my pet spider kiss her on her cheek, the classic childhood cure for all ills. She shrieked in delight as the spider placed its magic lips on her cheek and blood started to seep from it. I guess the injury was so bad that the spider had to actually bleed it out of her system - what a clever spider!

I heard some frantic footsteps coming this way, and saw the truck driver running over to where we were. He screamed a horrible obscenity and gestured at the spider - I forgave his language, I'd probably exclaim such a thing as well if I saw such an amazing creature. But then - to my surprise and shock - he got down on his knees and forcefully removed the spider from her, crushing it with his bare hands! I was in shock!

He started talking to both of us, but I didn't hear a word of it. There wasn't a chance that he was getting away with killing my friend. I lunged for the postbox and pulled out my recently received package, opening it up to reveal a shiny new ice pick. It was not long before the ice pick had pierced the truck driver's eyeball and split his brain in two with a satisfying, jelly-like *squish*.

I didn't have any other post, so I went inside, tossed the eyeball on the frying pan, and poured myself some orange juice.

I just love Saturdays!


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