Sunday, December 11, 2011

Inheritance

So just now I finally finished reading a book I’d been eagerly anticipating for many many years - Inheritance, by Christopher Paolini. It took me about a month to finish. Partially because it’s as large as a breezeblock, and partially due to me having the attention span of a gnat with ADHD. And even though it was quite enjoyable, I thought to myself ‘well. Does this book really have to be 800 pages? Heck, does it even have to be 400? Do we really need to read about that dwarf burping, or know what that mountain’s great grandfather is called? I don’t think we do. In fact, why can’t this be a mere three pages long?’ So, gentle reader, I decided to write the abridged version, for all those people who don’t have as much free time as I do. Warning: contains immaturity. I present to you –

Inheritance: The Abridged Version

Previously: ERAGON, a young farmboy, thinks he is destined to remain living in his simple village, with nothing great to do except engage in homoerotic wresting matches with his cousin. One day he finds a dragon egg in a forest, and the dragon hatches for him. Then that shit gets real. He runs away to learn how to fight, and knows that one day, he will have to face the evil dragon rider John Malko – uh, Galbatorix, and put an end to his despotic rule once and for all. Despotic. Shit. I don’t even know what that means. But I’m writing it.



The Cast –

ERAGON – A simple farm boy turned mighty dragon rider.

SAPHIRA – Eragon’s dragon

ARYA – Token hot elf chick

GALBATORIX – The BAD GUY. Rules over the land with an iron fist

SHRUIKAN – Galbatorix’s evil dragon

GLAEDR – Glaedr was a powerful golden dragon who died in the last book, but his consciousness is stored in an Eldunari. An Eldunari is a giant glowing ball located in the dragon’s heart, that, should he so wish, he can store his consciousness inside and then cough up like a hairball so that when he dies, his mind will carry on living insi – oh you know what, it’s a big telepathic glowball.

BIG TELEPATHIC GLOWBALLS – Several. GALBATORIX has been hoarding them to make himself super super powerful.

--------------------

Chapter one – WAR. WAR rages across the land. The GOOD GUYS are trying to capture a town, and it’s not going well. Suddenly a man on a magic horse emerges from the WAR, and shoots SAPHIRA with a spear.

SAPHIRA – Haha, your puny mortal weapons are no threat to a magical dragon!

[the spear promptly pierces saphira’s chest]

SAPHIRA – Erk. Medic!

[saphira is healed]

ARYA – Hey look ERAGON, this is a magic metal. Named Dauthdert.

ERAGON – Boy that sure reads like Deathdart.

ARYA- I know. It’s a magical substance that we’ve never mentioned in the previous eight thousand pages, but we’re bringing it up on the first page of this book. By the way, it’s the only metal that can kill dragons. Think it’ll come in handy?

ERAGON – Nah, but let’s keep hold of it anyway, it’s shiney.

786 pages later -

[eragon, arya, and saphira break into galbatorix’s castle]

ERAGON: Galbatorix, I am here to kill you!

GALBATORIX: You’ll never defeat me! I have bigger glowballs than you do!

ERAGON: O.o

GALBATORIX: Besides, in order to kill me, you’ll first have to face my dragon, SHRUIKAN!

[shruikan enters]

SHRUIKAN: RAAAAAAAARR!

[arya hefts the Dauthdert]

ARYA: Hey Shruikan, you see this? I found it in chapter one.

SHRUIKAN: Oh fuck me, no one told me we were putting this in the storyline!

[arya shoots Shruikan with the Dauthdert. Shruikan dies]

GALBATORIX: Shruikan nooo!

ERAGON: I’m going to cast a spell that’ll make you realise what a bad man you’ve been!

[eragon casts the spell]

GALBATORIX: O my god, I’m a bastard! Wait, didn’t we do this in Harry Potter already?

[galbatorix expires]

SAPHIRA: Well that takes care of that then.



Months later –

[arya sends eragon a magic letter saying ‘Meet me tomorrow at this rock. I have a secret to show you, so come alone’]

ERAGON: So what’s this all about?

ARYA: Eragon! You’ll never guess what! I –

ERAGON: The last remaining egg we saved from Galbatorix’s castle hatched for you, you are the new dragon rider, and your dragon is green?

ARYA: ..how’d you know that?

ERAGON: It was on the front cover.

ARYA: …

ERAGON: Bit of a giveaway.


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ARYA: Fine.

[arya shows eragon and saphira her hot new dragon, firnen.]

FIRNEN: Hey babe. Just got out of my egg. Let’s shag.

SAPHIRA: Okay.

[Firnen and Saphira fly off into the sunset]

ARYA: (actual quote) Well that didn’t take long.

ERAGON: I know, right.

ARYA: So anyway, we’re running out of pages, and since we’ve all known for the last four books that if you fancied me any more your dragon would be dryhumping my leg, I think we’d better do something about it.

ERAGON: Sexytimes?

ARYA: No silly, I’m going to tell you my name.

ERAGON: But –

ARYA: Don’t knock it. We’re still in the Young Adult section of the bookshop, so this is the best you’re going to get.

ERAGON: Aw.

[arya leans in close and whispers to eragon her true name]

ERAGON: Your true name is Wendy?

ARYA: Shut up.

The End